Why Hockey Sucks

Why Tyrus Thomas shouldn't be the Number One Pick

2006-06-10T15:27:00.000-04:00

First and foremost, what difference is there between Thomas now and Stromile Swift 5 years ago? Nothing, and we've seen what a great pro Swift has turned out to be.

Second, Tyrus Thomas has only REALLY played about 15 games of good basketball in his entire life. In high school, he was clearly more athletic than everyone so he just jumped over them. In college, he redshirted his first year and didn't do anything spectacular until January, fading in and out until playing awesome in the Tournament. You would think scouts would start figuring out that athletic, tall forwards with no face-up game, no jump shot and no post game aren't the best BASKETBALL players to spend lottery picks on, but it appears not.

Sure he can jump out of the gym, but so can everyone else in the NBA.

Here's my prediction, Thomas is a top 3 pick, then spends his entire first season either struggling or on the bench. After that, he'll hang on in the league, but he will NEVER make an all star team. You heard it here first.

For a good synopsis of the NFL labor negotiations...

2006-03-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

go to http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2351462

if you still have labor-related questions, post a comment...this is the type of law I want to practice so I'll at least know where to find the answer...

My prediction...

2006-02-28T17:26:00.000-05:00

is that the Utah Jazz's decision to draft Deron Williams ahead of Chris Paul will go down in NBA history as one of the worst draft day decisions of all-time. Right up there with Sam Bowie selected ahead of Michael Jordan or trading Olden Polynice for Scottie Pippen or, more recently, Kwame Brown ahead of anyone...

I forgot to mention...

2006-02-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

Here's to Chris "The Birdman" Andersen for finding a drug that got him banned from the league. I know that this happened 3 weeks ago, but watching the dunk contest this past weekend reminded me of the Birdman and all the great memories he gave me after last year's dunk contest.

In case you all were wondering, a player can't be banned from the league for marijuana use, only suspended. The league's anti-drug abuse policy defines drugs of abuse that can justify a ban as amphetamine and its analogs, cocaine, LSD, opiates and PCP. Isn't that interesting?

And for the record, this is the second Chris Andersen picture to be posted on my blog. That has to be a record.

Here's a question...

2006-02-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

Is the NHL still having games while all of its best players are on the other side of the world? I could just look on ESPN.com's NHL page, but that would be like recognizing hockey as a sport.

Either way, doesn't this prove that hockey sucks? If the league keeps playing during the Olympics, the NHL is surely still charging its fans full price for tickets, to essentially watch minor league hockey. If the league breaks for the Olympics, it would be the only "major" sport that does so.

Congratulations to...

2006-02-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

The United States of America for possessing more overrated, overhyped Olympic athletes than all other countries combined. (See especially Bode Miller, Apolo Anton Ohno, Michelle Kwan)...

And by the way, it's Torino, not Turin. When we had the Olympics in the U.S., we expected other countries to pronounce our cities' names right. I don't think it takes that much to show Italy a little respect and pronounce their city's name properly. Hell, the proper word is spelled out on 4 to 6 channels at any given time. Get a clue America.

In Philadelphia

2006-02-21T19:28:00.000-05:00

The 76ers are sponsoring a "Guns For Tickets" program in which anyone that turns in a gun to a police office will be given two free Sixers tickets, no questions asked. Early reports indicate that the Sixers have sold out for the rest of their season due to this program. Apparently, Allen Iverson's posse was participating.

What the Hell is Larry Brown Doing?

2006-02-15T22:36:00.000-05:00

So the Knicks' decision to hire Larry Brown...not so good. Dude has used 35 different starting lineups in 50 games. He plays Channing Frye, Nate Robinson and David Lee 12 minutes one night and 35 minutes the next. Surely the great Larry Brown, the ever-flowing fountain of NBA knowledge, knows that players, especially young players, need consistent minutes to be solid contributors.

Hey Larry, you prick, you're team is terrible. The team is in the tank, nobody's gonna think you're sabotaging the season if you play the young guys. Especially when they also give you the best chance at winning. However, I do believe that Brown is sabotaging the Knicks' future (however limited that may be when Isiaiah Thomas is running the show and thinks it's a good idea to spend $126 million on, arguably, the worst team in the league). Don't start Malik Rose at power forward when you know he has no future, not when you have Lee and Frye on the bench, ready to play their hears out.

Why not put Robinson, Jalen Rose, Trevor Ariza (or Jamal Crawford), Eddy Curry and the Frye/Lee combo out their as a starting lineup? And when I say starting lineup, I mean give them starter minutes. Don't start them and let them play 14 minutes. Likewise, don't put them on the bench and then ask them to play 40 minutes once every four games. Larry, it's called rhythm. Get a fucking clue.

Never, ever, ever play Maurice Taylor, Jerome James or Malik Rose. Keep a tight reign on the shot selection of Crawford, Stephon Marbury and Quentin Richardson (who, in my opinion, is the quintessential example of a player who goes unconscious for one game, hitting 7 to 10 threes which makes him believe that he is a three point shooter for the rest of his career...hey Quentin, you're a defender and rebounder, get your ass under the hoop and whatever you do, don't ever let me see that you've shot more than 4 three pointers in any one game).

Team Success...What a Crock

2006-02-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

As I suspected, Rasheed Wallace is going to be an All-Star. I don't give a shit what anyone says, 15 ppg and 6.5 rebounds/game do not an All-Star make. It's great that Detroit is doing so well as a team (or is it, since Pistons fans are some of the lowest life forms on earth, barely human in fact). But to give one team 1/3 of the All-Star roster is ridiculous. I want someone to explain to Michael Redd, Gilbert Arenas and Dwight Howard why their seasons are not All-Star worthy. And if I hear any more of this "they're young, they'll get another shot" bull shit, I'm gonna scream.

More importantly, if we're going to give teams with outstanding records more All-Stars, why do the Pistons get 4 players while the Spurs (2) and Mavs (1) only get 3 combined? Both San Antonio and Dallas have records nearly identical to Detroit, so WTF? Why does Rasheed get in, while Josh Howard (with identical stats) doesn't get in? I know the Eastern Conference doesn't have as many good players as the West, but there were plenty of people to pick over Wallace. Why should Rasheed Wallace be rewarded for being on a good team? The only reason he even ended up in Detroit is because he was a cancer on every other team that he played on (see Portland and Atlanta (for one game)). So we're rewarding him for being a malcontent until he got put on a contender. I'm getting more pissed off the more I type.

If any of you can honestly say with a straight face that Dwight Howard is less deserving than Rasheed Wallace of an All-Star bid, I'd first laugh at you, then punch you in the face. Is it Howard's fault he got drafted by a shitty franchise? Does Michael Redd have to be traded for Richard Hamilton to make an All-Star team?

Great, the Pistons are really good this year, give them 3 guys in the game that deserve to be there (Ben Wallace, Hamilton, Billups), but don't get stupid about this. And the worst part is, the coaches picked the subs, so I can't even blame these picks on (presumably) a lack of knowledge.

So unless the league decides to put a minimum winning percentage on All-Star selections, I never want to see something like this happen again. And if it does come down to being based on team success, you mother fuckers better put Manu Ginobli, Jason Terry and Josh Howard on the team.

Sportswriters Are Idiots...

2006-02-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

That's right, you heard it here first. Sportswriters are idiots. I've been keeping a close watch on who NBA "experts" think should be an NBA all-star reserve. And for the most part, the picks have been very close to my picks (see below). But the differences have been the most ridiculous things I've seen in some time.

After all, I expect for there to be injustice in the All-Star starting lineups. That's because fans vote for the starters and, let's face it, fans are idiots. But if you get paid to be an NBA expert and you still act like an idiot, I feel inclined to write your employer and have them send me your check.

So here it goes, the most idiotic all-star picks (both made by multiple professional sportswriters):

1. Rasheed Wallace should be an all-star. What? I mean really? Who really thinks this makes sense? I don't care if the Pistons are undefeated, they don't deserve FOUR ALL-STARS! Wallace's numbers don't even qualify him as a top 20 player in his conference, let alone top 12. Since the Pistons are already going to get Ben Wallace, Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton as All-Stars, they don't need another all star. I would even argue that all three of those guys don't deserve to be there, but since everyone has bought into the idea that team record indicates how good an individual player is, I guess we'll give Detroit three. But if the coaches pick Wallace ahead of Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard, Paul Pierce or Michael Redd, I'm boycotting the All Star game. Those 4 have played great with essentially no help from their teammates and all of this bull shit about team records being a determining factor in all star nods is ridiculous. Hey assholes, they already have games that reward team success, they're called the mother fucking playoffs, bitches!!!

2. Chris Paul should not be an all-star. This is ridiculous. Other than Steve Nash, Paul is the best true point guard in the NBA. Again, if he doesn't make it, I'm boycotting the game. And if I read one more article that says "Paul should be there, but he'll have a lot more chances in the future," I'm going to fire bomb ESPN and Sports Illustrated. What does the future have to do with a player's performance in the first half of the season? Not a damn thing. If you took all of the teams in the west and figured out which player was most important to his team, Paul would be in the top 3. I think Kobe and KG might edge him out, but that's about it (notice I didn't include Steve Nash (he's got Shawn Marion) or Tim Duncan (Tony Parker/Manu Ginobli) or Dirk Nowitzki (Jason Terry/Josh Howard)).

These are my two biggest beefs...

My reserves:
East: Pierce, Redd, Billups, B. Wallace, Hamilton, Bosh, Howard
West: KG, Paul, Marion, Brand, Parker, Anthony, Ray Allen/Pau Gasol

Ron-Ron, Peja, Kobe and rantings of other various sorts

2006-01-24T17:59:00.000-05:00

So I've taken a lot of shit for not writing anything about Kobe's 81 point performance. First off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm in law school and work two jobs so you all have to wait an extra day for me to post something that might make you chuckle for 3 to 4 seconds (at a maximum). I'm sorry that I'm lazy and that none of the above mentioned excuses had anything to do with me not blogging in the last 48 hours. But here's why I waited...

I didn't know what to think when Kobe scored 81. I detest the bastard and hope that he never wins another basketball game in his life. He is a selfish prick with no concern for anyone but himself. And while it is acceptable for us to crucify him in print and in the 3 to 4 NBA conversations that occur every year because he sabotaged a dynasty that had a good 3 years left on it (Aside: I don't require a team to win 8 out of 8 championships to be considered a dynasty, only to be in the Conference Finals or better every year and win 50% of the chamionships in a given time span). It is acceptable for us to hate him for being a rapist and a liar. It is alright for us not to like him for cheating on his wife.

But what it is not alright to do is to ignore the brilliance of his 80+ point outburst. First off, as I explained to a buddy today, he plays on a team that only has one other legitimate starter (Lamar Odom). The rest of his teammates are role players AT BEST and at worst should be playing in the NBDL. So it's understandable why Kobe shoots it 40+ times a game. Odom isn't a scorer and nobody else on the Lakers even has a career high that equals what Kobe AVERAGES PER GAME.

Secondly, the greatest player to ever play the game, Michael Jordan (some would argue Wilt was better, which is wrong, but few would argue that MJ was the greatest guard to ever play the game, so we can leave it at that) never scored more than 69 points in a game. Kobe has done it once this year and would've done it twice if he had played the fourth quarter against the Mavericks a month ago. You can't ignore stats like this. You can't disrespect stats like this. Kobe scored 55 points IN THE SECOND HALF. I don't think there is a team in the NBA that averages 55 points per half. So here's to Kobe. Congratulations, you are a special talent.

Third, I realized that I've changed since the days of MJ. When I really followed Jordan, I was between the ages of 11 and 17. I didn't get the nature of professional athletes at that point in my life. Having watched Jordan later in life, I realize he was a prick too. He and Kobe are essentially the same person, driven by their will to be the best, willing to stomp on anyone who gets in their way. Yet when I was 13, I didn't realize that, all I cared about was watching Michael outplay anyone and everyone that he played against. I was untainted by the world of professional sports and I'd give a lot to go back to that innocence. So next time I begin to think about how big of an ass Kobe is, I'm going to try to sit back and enjoy the show, like I did as a 12 year old.

(Aside: Can any of you imagine shooting the ball over 40 times in a game? I think my arm would fall off. One time in college, I played on a church league team in a league comprised of mostly 35-45 year olds. My team was all college guys. We beat everyone by 25+ and scored over 100 in all but one game. In one of those games, I scored 38 points (mostly on layups by outrunning my man down the floor) and I felt like I shot the ball everytime down the court, when I really took only 20 shots. Just something to think about.)

Peja for Ron-Ron:

I don't know what I think about this. Obviously it's better for the Pacers to have Peja than to have Artest on the inactive roster but I'm not sure how Stojakovic fits in with Indiana. Obviously he's one of the better shooters in the league and he'll help open up the inside for Jermaine O'Neal but he doesn't play defense (which will drive Pacers' coach Rick Carlisle insane after about 3 games) and he's more used to a flowing offense with passing and cutting. The Pacers have quite possibly the most stagnant offense of any team over .500. Either they throw it in to O'Neal and everyone stands around and watches, or they let one of their guards penetrate while everyone watches. Either way, there's 1 guy moving, 4 guys standing.

As for the Kings, they've basically dropped a turd for the season so they might as well try something different. I thought that they would be better this season but they've pretty much sucked it up in 90% of their games and then blown up on 4 or 5 teams. I think Artest will fit well with them. He'll play more defense than Peja and he's a more versatile scorer. Of course, this will only last for 25-30 games before he bites someone's ear off.

The NFL Play-(YAWN)-offs

Who freaking cares? Seattle and Pittsburgh? Great, Bettis's fat ass can finally play in a Super Bowl and he gets to do it in his hometown. I'm sure we'll get to watch 80 or 90 tribute videos about his career over the next two weeks. Too bad they'll only show 4 or 5 clips from the last 3 years. (Aside: Some of you may be wondering why I hate Bettis so much. There's actually two reasons: #1. I hate any athlete who is past his prime who doesn't realize he's past his prime (for another example, watch Gary Payton gripe at the refs during a Heat game like he still deserves to get every call that he got when he played in Seattle). Bettis is the prime example. For the better part of three seasons, he has allowed other running backs to take a beating in between the 20s for the first half of the season, while he racks up one yard touchdown runs (seriously, has there ever been a player with more statlines that look like this: 3 rushes, 2 yards, 3 touchdowns?), then he magically runs out on to the field and dances around after every carry. If he'd quit shaking his fat ass after every play, he could get a few more carries early in the season and help his teammates (see Duce Staley and Willie Parker) from getting worn down. #2. During the 2004 Fantasy Football season, I had Duce Staley, who was averaging 110 yards per game before he got worn down in the middle of the season from, you guessed it, too many carries. While Staley was playing, I watched my player run all over everyone, then watched Bill Cowher help Bettis pad his Hall of Fame resume by letting the Bus have 10-15 one yard touchdown runs. This killed Staley's fantasy value and overvalued Bettis's contribution to the Steelers. And I'll never forgive him for it)

And who cares if the Seahawks win? They play in the NFC West. That means they were practically given 6 wins (in those 6 games against the 49ers, Cardinals and Rams, the total score was Seahawks: 206, Opponents: 106). Granted, they did beat the Colts, Giants, Panthers and Redskins (all playoff teams) so maybe I should shut my trap. I don't know if it's because Seattle is so far away from every other NFL city or what, I just don't think many people care about the Seahawks, of course, I've never been to the Pacific Northwest so what do I know.

But as far as I'm concerned, this year's Super Bowl Sunday will be more about drinking beer, eating snacks, hanging out with friends and watching the commercials. Wait a minute, isn't that what it's always about?

My All Star Teams:

2006-01-21T12:24:00.000-05:00

With the All-Star Break quickly approaching, I feel the need to tell all of you who SHOULD be an All-Star this year. Granted, these teams won't be 100% correct, because the league lets the "fans" vote on the starters so you always get some bull shit like T-Mac being a starter while playing in a little over half of his team's games...

West starters:

PG-Nash
SG-Kobe
SF-Dirk Nowitzki (T-Mac robs this spot from Dirk and KG because fans are idiots)
PF-Tim Duncan
C-Brad Miller (now before you all start getting your panties in a wad, under the ridiculous voting system that the NBA has, your options for west Center are fairly limited, you can only pick Duncan as a forward and Yao Ming is hurt (although he will most definitely get the most votes since all of Asia voted for him online))...I would predict that they'll start either Nowitzki or Garnett in Yao's place since McGrady is almost assured of getting one of the forward spots (along with Duncan), because people are idiots...having said all that, Miller won't make the real all-star team

Bench:
Kevin Garnett
Shawn Marion
Ray Allen
Tony Parker
Carmelo Anthony
Elton Brand
Chris Paul

I would say that this team is fairly close, obviously Miller won't be there so that leaves an extra spot for McGrady's sham nomination...Paul probably won't make it either because he's a rookie and there are other people that have been snubbed in the past (like Mike Bibby and Pau Gasol) that'll get the sympathy vote...

East:
PG: Chauncey Billups (although Iverson is going to get this spot)
SG: Wade
F: LeBron
F: Paul Pierce (according to the NBA's shitty voting guidelines, you don't have to vote for a SF and a PF, just two "F"s, and Pierce has had one of his best seasons while watching Jermaine O'neal play is like getting my teeth pulled, although O'Neal will be the fans' vote and deserves it since he's the only player in the east to average close to 20 points and 10 rebounds
C: Ben Wallace: obviously Shaq will get the fan vote, but the Pistons are too good to not have any starters (but because the fans are idiots, they'd rather pick a guy who has played in half of his team's games and who rarely looks like he's interested anymore)

Bench:
Richard Hamilton
Jermain O'Neal (although it appears he'll be hurt so I'm going to give this spot to someone else)
Allen Iverson
Gilbert Arenas
Michael Redd
Vince Carter (while I hate him, he's had a pretty good season and you know there's no one in the NBA that dunks as well as him, which is the best reason to watch the All Star game)
Chris Bosh
*Dwight Howard (as the Jermaine O'Neal injury replacement)

This is probably fairly accurate as well, although Iverson will be a starter and Billups will be a reserve, and Shaq will get the fan vote so Dwight Howard (or Michael Redd) will probably get snubbed

The demise of the Indianapolis Colts...

2006-01-15T16:23:00.000-05:00

nAfter watching the Colts grow a big soft one against the Steelers today, I've determined that Peyton Manning will never win an NFL championship.

Now yes, we can certainly blame Mike Vanderjagt for missing a 46-yarder with 20 seconds left (aside: is that the worst miss that you've ever seen? he was a good 20 yards wide right...it looked like something you might catch in a high school game). But the one thing that separates Peyton from those other quarterbacks who have success in the playoffs (see Tom Brady and even to a MUCH lesser extent Ben Roethlisberger) is that he wants it too badly. Now, I know that every NFL quarterback wants to win a title more than anything else, but nobody in the NFL lets that desire be more apparent than Manning. He lets it consume him in every fathomable way. And he lets it affect his play.

The only time when Peyton played well today was when they were down, seemingly with no chance of coming back. And you want to know why? Because Manning is a pussy. There were several occasions where it looked like he was either going to piss down his leg and/or cry (which I think he did cry during the game). I don't know if it's because he's a momma's boy or what but what a freeking wimp.

If I'm an NFL coach, I want a quarterback that is cool, calm, collected (see Brady, Roethlisberger), not somebody who puts up 350 yards and 4 TDs when it doesn't matter.

I guess why I'm being so hard on Peyton is because (while in the end Vanderjagt lost it) on 2nd and 2 and 3rd and 2, Manning throws 20+ yard passes, rather than picking up the first down. This is caused by Peyton's desire to win it himself, rather than give his team the best chance to win. He didn't want Vanderjagt to kick a FG, he wanted to throw a TD pass. I would guess this is caused by some sort of inferiority complex that Peyton developed long ago. Everytime I here him talk, I feel confident that he wasn't one of the cool kids in school. Yeah, he was the star quarterback, but his overall "tool-ness" outweighed the prestige of his position. So it's understandable why Peyton has such a complex (something like "C'mon I'm the star quarterback, everyone should like me", yet no one ever does because he's such a tool).

Sadly for Peyton, it looks like this complex will haunt him throughout his career.

(Aside: I'm also disappointed in the Colts because I would've loved for a Steelers' loss to be blamed solely on Jerome Bettis's fumble on first and goal. He's such a fat ass. Did you notice that Bettis didn't jump up after that run and dance around like an idiot? I did. Because it was his only rush of the game where he didn't jump up like he was still a pro bowler.)

Emeka Okafor vs. Dwight Howard

2006-01-14T11:40:00.000-05:00

A little over a year and a half ago, a lot of people thought that the Orlando Magic were idiots for drafting Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor. They wondered: why would you draft an unproven high schooler when you could get a proven college champion?

And while I don't deny that the people running the Magic are idiots (hell, they traded Tracy McGrady for Cuttino Mobley, Steve Francis and Kelvin Cato which is like picking me over Tony Siragusa in a pie-eating contest), I do believe that NBA teams are often privy to information that you and I have no clue about.

Like that Okafor has the back of a 60 year old woman, along with several other injuries which will plague him his entire career. On the other hand, Howard has yet to miss a game since being drafted. Okafor missed 9 games last year and has missed over a dozen already this year. You could've seen this coming. He never played a full college season which is about 1/3 the length of an NBA season. And when he did play in college, he often played hurt, which is commendable for someone who wants to win and wants to help his teammates, but a little stupid for someone who knew all along that he was going to the NBA. So when it's all said and done, Howard will likely play twice as many games as Okafor over their respective careers (remember, Howard just turned 20, Okafor is 23).

Then you get to their current statistical impact. Last year, Okafor averaged about 3 points more per game than Howard. They averaged the same number of rebounds, but Howard shot 52% from the field, while Okafor shot a little below 45%. They were pretty even in blocks, free throw percentage and assists. However, this year, Howard's FG% is 10 POINTS higher than Okafor's, he averages 5 more rebounds per game and most importantly he plays every game. Okafor will never play 82 games in a season, Howard's already done it and is on his way to being a lesser version of Amare Stoudemire.

I will say that Okafor has been depended on by his team more than Howard. While Okafor is expected to get his own shot and be his team's best player and leader, Howard has been able to do most of his damage on offensive putbacks and easy set-ups from his teammates. But I'd still take Howard.

No real point to this post, just mainly pointing out that the Howard pick was the better idea.

Reply to Josh's comment:

2006-01-14T11:07:00.000-05:00

Yes Wade over Kobe and here's why: I picked the 5 players that would make the best TEAM rather than the 5 best American players. I don't pretend to argue that Kobe isn't one of the 5 best U.S. players, but I damn near guarantee you that you can't name a single teammate of Kobe's that he has ever made better. He is a selfish prick (and a rapist) who believes that the best opportunity for his team to score on every possession is for him to take a shot. This is one reason why Kobe will never win another championship. He had Shaq and some of the all-time greatest role players in NBA history when he one those three titles (Derek Fisher: quintessential good defender and open shooter, unable to get his own shot; Rick Fox: good defender and open shooter; and Robert Horry: the all-time greatest role player and save Michael Jordan, the guy I want to take the last shot in a playoff game over anyone else). Wade, on the other hand, in only his third season, has already made Lamar Odom and Udonis Haslem into much better players (however, being Kobe's teammate has completely raped Odom of 75% of his talent and caused him to fall back into his underachieving ways that he developed with the Clippers). He rebounds and passes better than Kobe and his teammates don't want to cut his heart out with a spoon. Nobody, and I mean nobody, on the Lakers likes Kobe. He's a complete cancer.

As for Duncan, if you'll note, I said that Duncan is considered by "some sportswriters" as an international player. I think if you play for the U.S. Olympic team, that makes you non-international, but I was trying to make the most competitive team. I also put the Yao Ming exception in so that people like Josh wouldn't bitch. But much to my chagrin, Josh defies all odds.

All-U.S. NBA team

2006-01-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

to play the All-International Team:

PG: Jason Kidd
SG: Dwyane Wade
SF: Lebron James
PF: Kevin Garnett
C: Jermaine O'Neal

Bench: Shawn Marion, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant

I think that this would be a toss-up between the two teams. If you gave me the Jason Kidd of three years ago, I'd probably pick the U.S. Provided that Kobe play less than 10 minutes per game as a defensive stopper just out of principle.

All-World Team

2006-01-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

Per C.Warren's request, here is my all-world team. Under no circumstances should these be considered anything remotely close to the shit that the NHL tries to pull. Remember, in my world, there is no such thing as the NHL.

PG: Steve Nash: obviously the best point guard, and some would say the best player in the NBA today

SG: Manu Ginobli: one of my favorite NBA players...in a game I watched last week, he basically tricked Kevin Garnett into getting his 5th foul in the third quarter, which resulted in Garnett staring Ginobli down all the way to the bench (where he stayed for over a quarter)...on the next Spurs possession, Manu drives through the lane with absolutely no foreseeable chance of scoring, makes a basket and gets fouled. He then reciprocates KG's earlier stare down with one of his own. My only question is, how do you say "Hey KG go fuck yourself" in Argentina?

SF: Peja Stojakovic: His numbers have been down this year and he gets hurt regularly (which is peculiar considering he doesn't play defense or rebound or penetrate, which are the three most likely ways that you get injured), but he's still one of the best pure shooters in the NBA.

PF: Dirk Nowitzki: He even plays a little defense now...

C: Tim Duncan: Although Duncan has played for the U.S. Olympic team, he is from the Virgin Islands and is occasionally considered by sportswriters as an international player. If you prefer to consider him American, put Yao Ming here.

Bench: Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Pau Gasol

The scary thing is that out of my top 8 international players, 3 play for the Spurs. And while Duncan was the number one overall pick, Gregg Popovich got Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli for what equates to the cost of a six pack of Coronas and a blowjob in Mexico.

alright, alright...

2006-01-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

so apparently I haven't been blogging enough, at least according to my fans (and note that I use that term loosely, and by loosely I mean looser than a pornstar)...so here it goes

My All-Ugly Team

2005-12-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

Per C.Warren's request, here are my picks...

PG--Sam Cassell. As if there was anyone else that could go here. He's probably my pick for all-ugly MVP.

SG--Doug Christie. Plus, he raises his damn arm everytime the camera zooms in on him. Not just when he scores. If he dives for a loose ball out of bounds and the camera goes to him, his damn arm is in the air. And he's ugly as shit.

SF--Charlie Villaneuva. He might be a little out of position, but he can play the 3 and if I didn't put him on this team, I would lose what little credibility I have.

PF Popeye Jones : essentially Sloth from the Goonies (as a 6'10" black man)

C--Gheorghe Muresan. Probably the most unfortunate Romanian science experiment of all-time. Romania, in hopes of supplanting the U.S. atop the Olympic basketball throne in the early 1970s, conducting a science project where they mated a giraffe, two yetis, a 6'10 man and a 6'5" woman. Muresan was the result. In a related story, in the late 1970s, the Chinese would perform a similar project learning from the Romanians mistakes. This time, the result was Yao Ming.

Honestly, how unfortunate for old Gheorghe. You're born as one of the top 10 ugliest people of all time and then you turn out to be 7'7" tall. Now you can't even attempt to blend in. Luckily for us, Gheoghe's misfortune translated into a great cinematic classic: My Giant.

Coming Soon:

2005-12-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

My least favorite NBA Players

-and-

The Least Surprising Things to Happen So Far this NBA Season

Don't Call It a Comeback:

2005-12-15T17:00:00.000-05:00

And as for the Eastern Conference:

How about how bad the entire Atlantic Division is...for starters. We knew that Toronto and New York were going to suck and that Boston was leaning toward its youth movement (which it appears to have ditched since they continue to play Mark Blount ahead of Al Jefferson...in all fairness, most of their younger guys have been hurt). But Philadelphia and New Jersey have no excuse. If the Sixers can barely stay above .500 with Iverson having arguably the best season of his career, what happens when he gets injured and misses 10 games (if you think this won't happen, you're kidding yourself...he's only played 82 games once)? And why can't the Nets win? I mean, Jay-Z is a part owner of the team now. That's worth at least a .500 record. I'd like to think it's because they have Vince Carter on their team and thus have fallen under the ultimate curse of professional sports karma (this is similar to what is happening with the Rockets and T-Mac...once you mail in a season so that you can get traded, the sports gods forever frown upon you...I know that this is kind of a naive theory, but let's hope it's true). You'd think with Carter, Richard Jefferson and Jason Kidd on the same team they could put up 100 points on alley-oops alone. That is before you remember that Carter has no heart and Kidd is getting old.

Channing Frye. I predicted that this guy would be the next Loren Woods, but apparently he's pretty decent. The only game I've seen him play in he went something like 4 for 19 so obviously I wasn't impressed but when your frontcourt counterparts are Eddy Curry (no heart, literally), Jerome James (no heart, figuratively) and Malik Rose (no clue, obviously) you're gonna get an opportunity to prove what you can do. Hopefully his deadbeat teammates won't rub off on him too much.

Gilbert Arenas. Has anoyne else noticed that he's one of the top 10 players in the league now? Not to commit basketball sacrilege, but he's ALMOST as good as Dwyane Wade. Actually the two players are strikingly similar, both 6'4", around 210-215 pounds, and born in January of 1982. Granted, Wade does rebound much better than Arenas and has a little better shooting percentage, but Arenas averages one point more per game, the same assists and can shoot the 3, which Wade doesn't (notice I didn't say that Wade can't, just that he chooses not to). That being said, I would still take Wade 99 out of 100 times, but you get my point.

Lebron James. What happened to the old Bron-Bron? Where is the guy that was supposed to average a triple double? I fear that Lebron has fallen victim to the "I can help my team most by shooting a lot" line of thinking. If so, he should ask T-Mac, Kobe (sans Shaq), AI, Paul Pierce, and Antoine Walker how many championships they won thinking that way. Exactly. I'm not saying LeBron has went down that path just yet. Hopefully he is just trying to carry more of the scoring load while Larry Hughes and Donyell Marshall find their nitch. He can be something different from anything we've seen before. Let's all pray he doesn't turn into the next high-scoring swingman who never wins anything.

Detroit Pistons: Offensive Juggernaut. Don't you love that the Pistons are scoring so many points this year? (Aside: Note I didn't say that I love the Pistons. Because, as you all know, I hate the Pistons and essentially most people from Detroit for their part in the brawl last year. Neanderthals.) However, you've got to love that Richard Hamilton and Chauncey Billups are blowing up in light of how Larry Brown bailed on them this summer. It's like the Pistons told themselves this summer, "Alright, now we got that bastard out of here, maybe we can have some fun." Seriously, they still play great D but now run the score up as well. Oh and by the way, Larry, nice call on leaving the Pistons to go coach that bunch of rejects in New York. I've got to hand it to you, you're a basketball genius. What in the blue fuck were you thinking? Seriously, I want to know what was going through your mind when you decided you'd leave a championship contender for that bunch of losers. Normally, I would hope that your health wouldn't hold up and you'd have to miss part of the season. But under the circumstances, I'm praying that you last the season. You deserve the misery. Ass.

And as much as I hate to say it, Alonzo Mourning. He's played well this season. Never mind that he should still be playing for the Nets or Raptors. As I've said before, if I were the guy that had donated my kidney for his transplant, I'd ask for it back.

The Return:

2005-12-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

After nearly a month of no sports blogging, I return bigger and better than ever with my take on the biggest surprises of the NBA season (Part I: Western Conference)...

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your Los Angeles Clippers. Seriously? What the hell is happening? The Clippers are leading their division past the 20 game mark. Seriously, every morning when I wake up and see that the Clips are in first place, I walk to the mirror and make sure I haven't grown Pamela Anderson-sized breasts or a third testicle. Because once the Clippers start winning, anything is possible. If they stay at this rate all season, I predict that, within the next 3 years, we will cure all forms of cancer, Aids and leukemia and we will be able to live on the moon if we so wish. Because once the Clippers start winning, reality knows no bounds. World peace will reign and we will all have 40 inch plasma screen TVs magically appear in our living rooms. Because once the Clippers start winning, well you get the point.

But seriously, who would've predicted that these guys would've been good? I know, a starting five of Elton Brand, Corry Maggette, Chris Kaman, Cuttino Mobley and Sam Cassell is pretty good. And if they played anywhere other than for Donald Sterling's team, I would pick that team to make the playoffs. I know that a lot of sportswriters have been afraid to make too big of a deal about this because, after all, these are the Clippers but I think they may have something going there. Sam Cassell, while still one of the ugliest human beings on earth, might just be bull-headed enough to convince these guys that they're supposed to be good. Add in that Brand has stepped it up a notch and will finally get the All-Star nod that has alluded him and this team could be dangerous. If Maggette can get healthy and if someone will get it through Cuttino Mobley's head that he should never take more than 10 shots in a game, watch out.

Chris Paul. Now most people predicted that Paul would be one of the front runners for Rookie of the Year, but I think he deserves all-star consideration. He has the Hornets half way (9) to their win total for all of last season (18), and the season is only 1/4 of the way through. The most beautiful thing about Paul so far for me has been watching the Atlanta Hawks, who passed up a chance to take Paul to draft Marvin Williams, try to patch together something that looks like a point guard with the likes of Tyronn Lue, Tony Delk, and Royal Ivey. Seriously, it's like watching McGyver climb out of a 40 foot well with nothing but a roll of duck tape and a tampon. Only McGyver would make it, and the Hawks never will. So while Paul shows everyone who the next great NBA point guard is, Atlanta continues to find a way to squeeze four swingmen (Josh Childress, Josh Smith, Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams) into two spots while already playing their fifth swingman (Al Harrington) out of position at power forward, thus killing his trade value. (Aside: do you think Harrington and Joe Johnson sit at home at night thinking "If I slit my wrists, can I get out of this contract?"). But on another note, they have won two in a row against teams that will make the playoffs.

The Sacramento Kings. This is the bunch of losers that I picked to finish second in the West? I bet they have suffered a ton of injuries. No? Did the Maloofs hire Isaiah Thomas as GM? No? So how in the blue hell has this team managed to go under .500 in its first 22 games? The only player that has missed significant time is Peja, who they are now trying to unload. But this is the team that used to be pretty good, even if they always had a crappy coach in Rick Adelman. Seriously, if you play Shareef Abdur Rahim, Peja, Brad Miller, Bonzi Wells and Mike Bibby as your starting five, you should beat all but about five teams in the NBA on most nights. I guess maybe Abdur Rahim is cursed, bringing misfortune and losing records upon any team he touches. But you never hear about him being a troublemaker or a disturbance in the locker room. I think Adelman's inadequacies as a coach are finally coming out. For the better part of his stint in Sacramento, he had the same team, which learned to play well on its own. Now he's got to get Abdur Rahim and Bonzi to mesh with the other three starters and he can't do it. If the Maloofs will come out of their alcoholic haze and leave the Real World suite for 10 minutes, I think they'd realize that it's time to get a new coach.

The Phoenix Suns and Steve Nash. I'll damn near guarantee that if you had told anyone that the Suns would win 13 of their first 20 without Amare Stoudemire, you would've 1) been roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris who would've magically appeared out of thin air, 2) been choke slammed by the still-unemployed Latrell Sprewell who likewise would've appeared out of thin air, or 3) been signed to a 10 day contract by the Toronto Raptors to punish you for your utter stupidity. Yet here we are and the Suns are 13-7 without Amare. And if Steve Nash doesn't get voted as an All-Star starter this year, every person who voted for Tracy McGrady should be banned from watching the NBA for life. I'm serious, if you're reading this and voted for T-Mac to start in the all-star game, you are an idiot and you should leave this site immediately. Don't ever come back. Your business is not wanted here. But where was I? Oh yeah, Nash. He's been better than last year, especially when you consider that he doesn't have 3 guaranteed assists per game where he just throws the ball anywhere within 10 feet of the hoop that Stoudemire just goes up, grabs and dunks. Granted, he still gets two of those per game from Shawn Marion, but you get the point. Nash is reminding everyone why he was voted MVP last season. If Stoudemire can come back and get back into the flow of the offense, the Suns could make it to the Conference Finals. Granted, they still can't beat the Spurs.

Yao Ming and Kevin Garnett. Two players that I believe have hit the wall. Yao isn't going to get any better because he's too nice. Not that being nice is a bad thing, it's just when you're the number one pick, people expect you to be a bad ass and Yao just isn't. Plus he plays with Tracy McGrady, who I hate, so I have to root against his team. As for Garnett, I think he burned himself out. By screaming, yelling and jumping after balls after every play for the last 9 seasons, he's taken a good season off of his career. Add on the meltdown that the T-wolves had last year and it's understandable why he's losing steam. Plus, his ridiculously high salary has handicapped his team into not being able to give him the help he needs. Especially when they throw what little money they had at Michael Olowokandi (who my buddy Nate predicted would be the next Shaq...nice call) and Troy Hudson. Plus, he has played in Minnesota for 10 years which would wear anyone down.

Keep your eyes open for the Part II: Eastern Conference edition in the next couple of days...

the motor city

2005-11-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

The Sacramento Kings have been fined $30,000 for portraying images of Detroit such as abandoned buildings and burning cars. Apparently people from Detroit were upset that the Maloofs chose to show these REAL pictures of their beloved city. But you know what, I don't mind it at all. As a matter of fact, I like it. And here's why: the way the Detroit fans acted during the Pacers/Pistons brawl last year made me swear that I would never root for another Detroit team because of the people that lived there. Talk about idiots. There almost not even human.

They threw cokes and popcorn on the Pacers as the team tried to leave the court. Now which is more degrading, having leftover food thrown on you, or having some not-so-endearing pictures of your city flashed up on a jumbotron on the other side of the country.

I mean if the Kings are going to pay 30 grand, maybe the citizens of Detroit should file a class action against all of the news companies that showed the Pistons/Pacers brawl. Since that footage would show negative images of the Motor City, what's the difference.

And if that works, then I think Iraq should sue CNN for showing all of that not-so-nice war footage from their country. I mean, let's make everybody happy. No hurt feelings.

From two of the greatest minds of our time...

2005-11-04T10:04:00.000-05:00

According to Michael Irvin and Terrell Owens, if Brett Favre were the starting quarterback in Philadelphia, the Eagles would be 7-0 instead of 4-3. Does anyone else notice that Green Bay, which, coincidentally is the team that Favre does play for, is 1-6? I know, the Packers have so many injuries that the team should have to relocate its practice facility to the morgue. But undefeated? That's just stupid.

How do idiots like Irvin get paid to feed us crap like this. Why do I have to go have a regular job, where I will (presumably) be expected to be knowledgeable about my area of specialization, while Irvin (and others) can say stupid shit like this and still be considered an "expert?"

When is Donovan McNabb going to just bitch slap T.O.? It's got to be getting close to that now. You dog your teammate for throwing up during the Super Bowl and then say you think the team would be better of with an over-the-hill, once great dude who used to be addicted to pain killers. If I were McNabb, Owens would've had an ass whooping by now. But I digress.

2005-11-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

After I predicted that UT was drastically over-rated at the beginning of the season, one of my readers posted this comment:

... you asked for a UT/USC (Southern Cal) score. I don't think it would be three touchdowns, but I do agree that USC would win....

I would like to rescind my earlier spread of 21 points in favor of a more accurate 35 point spread

and this comment:

...as for the entire team's overrated status, I agree and disagree. Will they finish in the top five? Nope. But are they a top five team in terms of talent and future pros? Yes. The road schedule will kill them (I really disagree with the South Carolina threat... they have almost no talent left and zero depth. Spurrier can't make gold out of shit) ...

Considering my correct UT/South Carolina game outcome combined with my Daniel Brooks prediction, I have once again established that I am an almighty soothsayer...

You know what I just realized?

2005-10-23T23:55:00.000-04:00

The NHL is 15 games into its regular season. And no one knows or cares. Isn't that fantastic? If you ignore them, maybe they'll just go away.

On a lighter note, the NBA is about to start its regular season. And while I'm the only one who gives two shits about the NBA, it's still better than hockey. I think we can all agree on that.

The last pure thing...

2005-10-23T23:44:00.000-04:00

As I watched Scott Podsednik hit the game winning home run in the bottom of the ninth in Game 2 of the World Series, I witnessed the last pure thing in professional sports.

Watching those grown men dance around like eight year olds after their teammate hit his second home run of THE SEASON was awesome. Jumping up and down around home plate, hugging each other, laughing, not acting like pompous professional athletes...it was great. And if you can get someone that presently hates the MLB as much as I do (see: steroids, Bud Selig, Kenny Rogers, Barry Bonds, etc.) to say that, well then you've got something.

Totally hilarious picture:

2005-10-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

One of my buddies emailed me this picture. Makes you wonder, doesn't it.

Got Milk?

2005-10-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

Major League Baseball is mad at the Got Milk? campaign for its newest ad. In the ad, the campaign pokes fun at steroid problems in the MLB by accusing a player of using performance enhancing substances. The substance: milk.

The MLB says that this is a serious subject that should be taken seriously. Well that's fucking news to me. Does the MLB take the steroid problem seriously? Hell no. That's why it's still a problem. If the MLB was serious about eradicating steroid use, they'd make penalties so stiff that players would have to be idiots to risk getting caught.

But instead baseball prefers to spend all of its time talking and none of its time doing a damn thing. Does anybody honestly believe that a Got Milk commercial is the biggest problem in the steroid issue? I didn't think so.

My NBA predictions for the year:

2005-10-22T19:17:00.000-04:00

EASTERN CONFERENCE:
1. Indiana--I know, Ron Artest could still snap and bite someone's ear off. But I'm willing to take that chance.
2. Miami--If Antoine Walker and Jason Williams don't poison them too much.
3. Detroit
4. New Jersey--Although I hope Vince Carter breaks both ankles in the first month of the season.
5. Cleveland--Lebron's teammates can only hold him back for so long.
6. Milwaukee--This team is much improved. If T.J. Ford stays healthy, they'll make the playoffs easily.
7. Washington--They lost Larry Hughes, but they'll still make the playoffs.
8. Philadelphia--Iverson is good enough to get them into the playoffs and then watch them get beat in four straight.

Wild Cards--Orlando could get be better, if Dwight Howard has improved as much as people are saying. Chicago could make the playoffs, I just don't think they can do the whole "we're less talented but play harder" card two years in a row.

Hopeless Teams--Atlanta. But if anyone's interested, their season tickets start at only $186. Toronto. I mean, they play in Canada.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. San Antonio. They might win 70 games.
2. Sacramento. Bonzi Wells, Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Cuttino Mobley join Brad Miller, Peja Stojakovic and Mike Bibby. That's a damn good first 6.
3. Houston. While I hope McGrady likewise breaks both ankles, I think the West is a little down this year and Van Gundy has had enough time to build this team how he wants it.
4. Dallas. They still have Dirk.
5. Lakers. Phil's back. That's enough to get into the playoffs.
6. Phoenix. If Nash and Marion can hold on until February, Amare will sweep in and save the season.
7. Utah. Kirilenko (back from injury) and Deron Williams will keep Jerry Sloan from losing his mind this year.
8. Seattle.

Wild Cards: Denver, Minnesota, Golden State.

Hopeless: New Orleans and Portland.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS:
MVP: Lebron James
Rookie of the Year: Chris Paul (although if his numbers are close to Deron Williams and the Jazz make the playoffs, Williams will win).
Sixth Man of the Year: Desmond Mason or Bobby Simmons (whichever one doesn't start in Milwaukee, except what could happen is they each start some of the games, disqualifying both from the award, and ruining my prediction).
Coach of the Year: Phil Jackson, but only as the sentimental pick. Hippy bastard.

UT v. Bama

2005-10-22T18:39:00.000-04:00

As I write this, there are 5 minutes left in the game. I just watched Cory Anderson fumble the f-ing ball through the back of the end zone, thus destroying UT's chance for a field goal and giving the ball back to Alabama.

I was glad to be watching the game by myself. (Brody Croyle just completed a 43 yard pass). If my wife had heard me yell the things that I yelled today, I would've had my mouth washed out with soap.

Is there any way that Tennessee could've done more to hurt themselves? Gerald Riggs fumble. Lucas Taylor fumble. Arian Foster fumble. Cory Anderson fumble. Hold on to the mother fucking ball you bunch of pea-brained assholes.

Up until this drive, (Alabama is now on 14 yards from the endzone with 1:00 left) UT's defense dominated the second half.

I know, you're probably thinking, why do I care? Although I root for them, I'm not a huge UT fan. But nothing pisses me off more than watching a team give a game away. (The camera is focused on Cory Anderson hanging his head, Alabama just kicked a field goal with 13 seconds left to take a 6-3 lead; they should make every player who turned the ball over walk back to Knoxville) The Tennessee Volunteers gave this game away. I'm not saying the better team lost the game. I'm saying Tennessee should've won. Total buckling under the pressure. (UT just got a personal foul and a holding call on the kickoff with 8 seconds left; not to worry Eric Ainge has entered the game; interception: Alabama...game over). The "Wrangler Play of the Game": Cory Anderson's fumble. Pull his scholarship. Mail him his clothes.

Phil Fulmer has to grow a set of balls. You never see him get onto his players on the sidelines. Show a little fire you big fat pumpkin. Grab a guy by the face mask when he hands the ball to the other team. Or when one of the linemen commits a false start penalty inside the 10. Don't give that little fat-man grimace like you shouldn't have eaten that eighth sausage link. You fat bastard.

Here's a rundown of Bama's scoring drives:

Lucas Taylor fumbles a punt return (which he had called a fair catch for). Alabama gets the ball at mid-field and only has to move the ball 25 yards to kick their first field goal. Alabama 3, Tennessee 0.
Cory Anderson, while 2 yards from the endzone, fumbles the ball, which promptly bounces the full 12 yards out of the back of the endzone. Touchback. Alabama ball. The Tide marches down the field to kick another fieldgoal with less than 20 seconds remaining. Alabama 6, Tennessee 3.

Well played. Plus, as most of you know, I love scoring. Which partially explains why I hate hockey and soccer. This game had a hockey/soccer score. To sit through a game that had 9 total points is absolutely painful. Hell, I'll watch Utah and BYU if they score enough points.

So here's to our Tennessee Vols, who pissed away their opportunity to, as Verne Lundquist kept saying, "turn around their season." Tennessee has the same winning percentage as Vanderbilt. Simply amazing.

John Hollinger's fantasy rankings:

2005-10-16T21:54:00.000-04:00

ESPN.com posted Hollinger's rankings, my take on things:

Disclaimer: I know that these rankings are based on some sort of complex statistical equation. But that equation is faulty. As a matter of fact, it sucks. And here's why:

Point guards:

1. Allen Iverson is ranked as the #1 point guard. I thought it was established several years ago that Iverson is not a POINT GUARD. If you take the amount (and type) of shots that Iverson takes, you are not a point guard.

2. Steve Nash is the best point guard. Especially if we're considering last year's performances. Creates shots for teammates, gets everyone involved, makes the open shot. Look at how much Amare Stoudemire and Shawn Marion's numbers improved after the Suns got Nash. Exactly.

3. Jamaal Tinsley at #11? WTF? You put Tinsley ahead of Jason Terry AND Tony Parker? That's just stupid. I don't even know what else to say about this.

4. Sam Cassell at #10. This could be high or low. If the Clippers get the Cassell from two years ago, move him up to 6 or 7. If they get the one from last year, take him off the list.

5. Putting Stephon Marbury at #3 doesn't make it so. And there are about 10 point guards in the NBA (including three rookies) that I would take to run my team before Marbury.

6. Raymond Felton, Deron Williams and Chris Paul will all be in the top 15 by the end of the season.

Shooting Guards:

1. Give me Michael Redd at 8 over Jason Richardson at 7. Unless I'm watching a dunk contest.

2. Why in the blue fuck is Mike Miller on this list? The only thing even remotely admirable about Miller is that he sported a porno 'stache for a span of 15 to 20 games last season.

3. I hate Kobe Bryant.

4. Joe Johnson is only about 8 spots too low at #17. Then, if you consider that Johnson is going to play point guard for the Hawks, you wonder if Hollinger even follows the NBA or if he's just some math geek from the Federal Reserve.

5. Bonzi Wells isn't even the best shooting guard on his team (Cuttino Mobley is), so he shouldn't be ranked 6 spots in front of the guy that will start over him.

Small Forwards:

1. Lebron James is definitely #1.

2. T-Mac, Vince Carter and Paul Pierce are basically the same player. T-Mac may score 3 points more per game, but they all have shooting percentages in the low 40s, play defense when they feel like it and forget about their teammates for quarters at a time. The other similarity: I hate all three of them.

3. Grant Hill at #5. That's a stable choice, yet then again, no. While Hill's comeback last year was inspiring, he's still running on 1.2 legs and will never play another injury-free season. The only question is how many games he'll miss.

4. Hollinger's "magical formula" has Jalen Rose ranked ahead of Richard Jefferson, Tayshaun Prince and Bobby Simmons. (a) Jalen Rose is a punk ass bitch; (b) he's always been overrated; (c) he always plays for a loser; (d) he currently plays for the Raptors.

5. Steven Jackson is a psycho.

Power Forwards:

1. Give me Duncan over KG. Because he finds a way to win.

2. Give me Shawn Marion over Gasol or Elton Brand. Even though Marion has the ugliest looking jump shot in the NBA (he shoots like someone on the And1 tour), Brand is incapable of winning and Gasol was the same player at 19 as he is now, and as he will be in 5 or 10 years.

3. Drew Gooden (at #10) should be moved down, oh about, 20 spots. As I recently read in an article, Gooden has been "on the trading block since junior high." Now that's funny.

4. Antwan Jamison at 21 is about 12 spots too low.

5. Rasheed Wallace is 10 spots too low at 25, as is Emeka Okafor at 26. They've got Wallace's backup, Antonio McDyess 6 spots ahead of Rasheed. Now what kind of fucking sense does that make?

6. Raef Lafrentz at 16, ahead of Jamison, Wallace and Okafor? RAEF LAFRENTZ?

7. Anderson Varejao is on the list at 20. Considering that most of you hate the NBA, I'm willing to bet that 1 out of 10 of you knows who Anderson Varejao is. For your information, he backs up Drew Gooden. That's right the trading block guy.

Centers

1. Chris "the Bird Man" Andersen is at 7. This is just absurd. Would anyone pick Chris Andersen four spots ahead of Ben Wallace. Exactly.

2. Once I saw the Bird Man in the top 10. I stopped reading. I can't read that kind of trash.

I realize that these rankings were supposed to be based on fantasy performance. But they're still completely off. First off, who gives a damn what a player's per minute averages are? Players that only get in the game for 5 minutes aren't worth a shit in fantasy sports.

stipend #2

2005-10-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

As to C.Warren's comments:

I'm as much to blame for the high salaries in sports as the next guy. Hell, I have a blog that (virtually) nobody reads that is dedicated to sports. I'm addicted. And that addiction fuels the monster of professional sports. So, I don't hold it against A-Rod for making $250 million. Although it's ridiculous, it's no different than the amount of money Bill Gates makes.

But what I do hate is when professional athletes pull the "we have it so tough, we need more money" bullshit. You make millions of dollars and if the man that controls your business tells you to wear a fucking clown suit, I better see the authentic red, rubber nose.

So yeah, I want to wear jeans and a t-shirt to my job for the rest of my life. But I can't. And Allen Iverson wearing XXXL t-shirts, 40 X 44 jeans and untied boots on the sideline is unacceptable. There's no room for negotiation here.

The best part about this is, no matter how much we want to talk/argue about it, David Stern always gets his way. And I mean always. He is the all-powerful dictator.

Take Ron Artest for example. Did anyone else thing that a 90+ game suspension was a little hefty last year? I sure as shit did. But it doesn't matter what I, or anybody else (including a judge) thinks, David Stern is the king.

Stipend?

2005-10-12T19:21:00.000-04:00

Marcus Camby says that if the NBA wants to institute a dress code for its players, players should receive additional compensation. I can see how it's tough to buy a $5,000 suit when you've got $10,000 worth of bling hanging around your neck. And all of this when you'll only make $7 million dollars a year.

Is there any way I can hate professional athletes like Marcus Camby more than I already do? Between him and Latrell Sprewell saying that he needs more money to feed his family, I'm ready to explode.

If you work at a law firm or an accounting firm, you're expected to wear a suit and tie while making, at most, $100,000 your first year. You know how much the minimum salary is for any player in the NBA? Somewhere around $500,000. That's right, half a mill.

May Marcus Camby tear his achilles tendon while attempting to step over one of his 20 illegitimate children who is allegedly going hungry.

Considering how powerful David Stern is, Camby will probably be forced to donate his entire salary to hurricane victims by the end of the week. God bless David Stern.

UT v. UGA

2005-10-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a day. I went to the SEC game of the week in Knoxville this weekend. It was painful. Not the game. The game was a pretty good one to watch. But the people I had to sit (i.e. stand) around made me question the future of the human race.

I went to the game with my friend Steven and his brother Nathan. Both graduated from UGA. And we're sitting in the student section. None of us are wearing anything Georgia-esque, with the exception of my red North Face hat (which really has nothing to do with UGA, but if you wear red in the stadium, you're the enemy).

These four or five girls that stood in the row in front of us were probably the most obnoxious people on the planet. First off, everybody in the student section gets one of those little pom-poms to shake. However, whoever the asshole is that thought that this was a good idea forgot to think about my poor ass that has to stand behind the drunken idiot flipping the pom-pom in my face every 2 seconds. After the fourth time of getting hit in the face, I grab the girl's pom-pom on the backswing only to have her turn around and look at me and my buddy Steven. Steven then gave the stupid bitch the explanation that she was hitting us in the face, and SURPRISINGLY, we didn't really enjoy that.

#2. Each student in our section got one of those foam hands that has the index finger pointing up, symbolizing, I assume, that we're #1 (which, by the way, we're not). But these idiot redneck girls in front of us thought that the better idea would be to rip the index finger off of the foam hand and then reattach it to the hand so that it would look like the foam hand was giving you the bird. You think I'm kidding? I only wish I was making this up.

What does this even mean? Who is she flipping off? I don't know, and frankly I don't care.

#3. While I was sitting down during one of the 10 million TV timeouts, the girl in the picture above (who was standing at the time) looked over to one of her girlfriends and said "I've got to pee really bad. Do you think anyone would notice if I just squatted and took a piss right here?" Now that's a classy woman. And to answer her question, since my face was six inches from her ass, I sure as shit would've "noticed."

#4. After halftime, the girls had apparently ran out of alcohol, so they started asking everyone in our section if they had any liquor. This went on for a good 10 minutes, in which every person was asked the same question at least 4 times. Sadly, no alcohol was found.

#5. At some point during the game (Aside: I'm not sure when because my anger blinded me from determining any sort of point in time), the aforementioned four or five girls and four equal idiotic guys that were sitting next to the girls (although they didn't appear to have come to the game together) decided it was time to "do the wave." First off, the wave hasn't been cool in at least 10 years. In fact, I'm surprised that these 19 year olds had even heard of the wave. Second, don't turn around and tell me that "we" are going to do the wave. You're going to do the wave, and I'm going to stand and watch you look stupid.

#6. At some point in the second quarter, one of the girls tried to hand my buddy Steven a foam hand. He told her no. At that time, I hadn't really been paying attention to the exchange, so when the girl held out the foam hand towards me, I assumed she wanted me to hold it while she poured another Crown Royal into her coke. So I said, "I'll hold it for you," and she said, "No, it's for you, I want you to wave it." I told her that I would hold it but under no circumstances would I be waving the foam hand. She replied that I was stupid. I immediately threw the foam hand on the ground.

#7. At one point in the game, one of the girls turned around and asked Steven why we weren't cheering (i.e. acting like idiots) for UT. Steven then explained that he went to undergrad at Georgia. Deeply saddened that Steven had not turned into a UT fan after enrolling in grad school at Knoxville, the girl simply replied "you guys suck." To which Steven replied, "yes we do."

UGA 27, UT 14

Fans interested in sending Prothro get well cards can send them to:

2005-10-06T23:14:00.000-04:00

Tyrone Prothro
c/o Alabama Football
Box 870323
Tuscaloosa, AL. 35487-0323

Those interested in getting Mike Tice fired can send requests to:

Minnesota Vikings
Winter Park Administrative Offices
9520 Viking Drive Eden
Prairie, MN 55344

(Aside: I really appreciate the season that Dante Culpepper is having this season. It's like Jeff George has taken over Culpepper's body. All while sabotaging my fantasy football season)

Or if you prefer to watch Mike Martz get canned:

St. Louis Rams
One Rams Way
St. Louis, MO 63045

out of respect...

2005-10-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

to tyrone prothro and the seriousness of his injury, I'm going to take down the sick pictures from my blog...

Isaiah Thomas post-o-the-week

2005-10-04T20:02:00.000-04:00

After the first couple entries on this blog, I was told that I make too much fun of Isaiah Thomas and the Sports Guy has already cornered the market on that topic. But damnit, I just can't allow this idiocy to go on without commenting.

The Knicks have traded Tim Thomas and Mike Sweetney to the Chicago Bulls for Antonio Davis, Eddie Curry and a heart to be named later. Obviously, the only player in this trade that any body gives two shits about is Eddie Curry.

The problem is, it's more likely than not that Curry has a life threatening heart condition (see Reggie Lewis and Hank Gathers). And he refuses to undergo a DNA test that could show whether he is at serious risk. The Bulls offered Curry $400,000 for the next FIFTY FUCKING YEARS if the DNA test came back positive. And he refused. That certainly seems like a red flag to me.

But the man who defies all odds, who can cripple any team in a one month span, yet still act like he knows what the hell he's doing, doesn't believe in red flags. Hell, I don't know what Isaiah Thomas believes in. Not that he had much to work with to start out, but now he has a team consisting of Stephon Marbury (when Marbury is the brightest spot on your team, you're fucked), Allan Houston (who still plays on the standard college schedule of 35 games a year (if he's lucky)), Quentin Richardson (who developed that idiot head pounding thing with fellow loser Darius Miles and is the present day version of the 2002 Antoine Walker (player that shoots the most 3-pointers in the league while shooting somewhere around 25%)), Channing Frye (all I can say is that he'll be lucky if he's as good as fellow former Arizona center Loren Woods (2.7 career scoring average)), and some combination of Jerome James and Eddie Curry. I've already ranted about James a couple weeks ago, he's fat, lazy and now that he has a huge multi-year deal, will pretty much check out after the first 12 games or so. And Curry, who also has a bit of a weight (and motivation) problem, may have to finish out his career playing with a pig's heart.

So, after Houston gets hurt (which he will), James takes a mental pass for the next five years (which he will), and Curry's irregular heartbeat turns out to be as serious as the Bulls worried it might be (which definitely could happen), the Knicks will have somewhere around $35 million dollars worth of bums taking up the end of their bench.

My predictions: 1) Curry will one day look back and wish that he had taken that $20 million over 50 years and 2) the Knicks will be even worse than I could've hoped.

This has the makings of the best NBA season in some time.

I am a prophet:

2005-10-04T19:17:00.000-04:00

After my rant about Daniel Brooks following Saturday's game, Phil Fulmer dropped him from the team. (Aside: Don't take this to mean that I think Fulmer was in any way influenced/aware of any thing that I might have written. We all know Phil doesn't read (Aside within an aside: note that I didn't say he couldn't read, just simply that he doesn't (Aside within an aside within an aside: Fantasia Barrino can't read))). Then UT dismissed him from the school! Ah, sweet satisfaction. Now Daniel can go back to whatever town he came from, pump gas, and talk about his two years of being on the Vols football team.

Considering my superb fortune telling skills, from now on I would prefer that you all refer to me as "almighty soothsayer" or "the all-seeing eye."

the unpredictable NFL

2005-10-02T12:31:00.000-04:00

Going in to Week 4's games, there are 4 undefeated teams. Three of those teams are the Redskins, the Bucs and the Bengals. Last season, those teams had a combined 39.5 winning percentage. Of course it's still early, and my money is on the Redskins finding a way to still lose 10 games.

The Trojans:

2005-10-01T23:11:00.000-04:00

Congrats once again to the USC Trojans.

I love how they only have to play 25 minutes per game to beat the 15th ranked team in the country.

Here's to you Pete Carroll.

tyrone prothro

2005-10-01T18:36:00.000-04:00

Talk about the grossest sports injury ever. I just watched the dude's upper ankle bend 90 degrees from the rest of his leg. I almost threw up. It was Theisman-esque.

If I can find a picture of the injury, I'll post it so you all can see how gross it was.

college football saturday:

2005-10-01T17:58:00.000-04:00

Today, I sat in section D, row 1 at the UT game. I could've hit Fulmer in the head with my Coke bottle. It was very interesting to sit this close to the Vols bench, even though it made seeing the actual game rather problematic.

One thing that was very interesting was to see how big the players actually are. I mean, it would literally take the punter about 1.5 seconds to beat my ass. Jesse Mahelona's tattoo on his arm is the size of my entire body. Absolutely huge, all of them.

More importantly, I think I've discovered a huge reason why the UT players get a bad reputation. I know, 25% of them get arrested and that certainly doesn't help. But I'm talking about the total pompous nature of some of the players. The interesting part is that it's not the players you would expect. I've got no problem if Jesse Mahelona or Jason Allen want to prance around like they own the place. Because next year, they'll be making millions of dollars. But those guys appeared to be extremely nice and even respectful. What I do have a problem with are players that act like they're the shit, when they never step on the field. One such player, who I don't believe even owns a helmet, strutted around the sideline like he was king shit of the world, talking trash to everybody and basically fulfilling the general stereotype for major Division 1 college athletes. Now, I'm not so rude as to call out this player by name, but his name is Daniel Brooks, #42, and allegedly, he's a linebacker. In 21 career games, he has 11 tackles. Today, he and I played the same number of downs. (Aside: Coincidentally, Brooks was also one of UT's players that was arrested during the offseason (Aside within an aside: Isn't it nice that this bastard had four charges brought against him, yet three charges were dropped and he only had to pay a TEN DOLLAR FINE for the other charge. I had one traffic ticket and it cost me $80).

And at least #42 had on pads. There were several other players (I think they were players, or perhaps extremely large water boys (that didn't carry any water)) that walked around in t-shirts and windpants, clearly more concerned with looking like bad-asses than about the game. Perhaps that's why Allen and Mahelona don't appear so cocky, since they're actually concerned about the outcome of the game.

I know that his will never happen, but wouldn't it be great if some college coach would just come out one Monday morning and say, "I've just pulled the scholarships of 10 of my players. To determine which players would be cut, I used a formula which balanced how big of an ass they are with their level of productivity. If they were twice as cocky as their performance warranted, they got cut."

Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath.

fantasy football

2005-10-01T10:57:00.000-04:00

Yahoo's new projected fantasy scoring feature is killing me...in all three of my leagues. This week, it's projected that I'll win all three matchups. So if I'm lucky, I'll go 1-2.

(Aside: I know that this picture has nothing to do with anything, but I thought it was funny).

the NBA...it's almost here...

2005-10-01T09:31:00.000-04:00

Marc Stein has issued his preseason NBA rankings. A few disagreements:

The Suns at #3? Don't get me wrong, I love watching them play. No defense, lots of scoring. If the shot clock gets below 14 seconds all season, I'll be surprised. First off, there's no Joe Johnson this year, and although the Hawks just paid him about double what he's worth, there's no legit shooting guard or backup for Nash at point guard. And if any of you say that Jimmy Jackson is a good alternative, we're no longer friends. Second, Stein says that Phoenix now has a good bench. Here's the deal, picking up Kurt Thomas and Brian Grant, two players in their late 30s, who have always been undersized for their position and who now have trouble jumping over a piece of paper does not make a good bench. You think I'm kidding? Watch Kurt Thomas's jumpshot from anywhere on the floor, it's a free throw (note: I can't tell you to watch Brian Grant's jumpshot because he has never really had one). Third, the mystique has worn off. Suns still finish in top 5 out West, just not #3 in the league.
I would also put the Heat (#5) and the Pacers(#4) above Detroit(#2). Although I'm not very fond of Miami's offseason moves, they still have Dwyane Wade and Shaq.
I agree that the Rockets will be better this year. I also predict that they'll peter out in the playoffs, because T-Mac will have played too many minutes during the season, trying to keep his scoring average above 26 points per game. (Aside: If you haven't noticed, I hate T-Mac. He's such a punk ass. McGrady, Vince Carter and Alonzo Mourning should all be banned from the league for forcing their teams to trade them. Fuckers. (Aside within an aside: Did anybody else hate Mourning last year during the playoffs whenever he would make a good play, and then he'd flex his arm muscles like he was in the WWF? Such an asshole. Threw his season with New Jersey, refused to go to Toronto, then gets traded where he wants and can do cartwheels down the court. If I were the guy that had given my kidney for Mourning's kidney transplant, I'd ask for it back.))
The Nuggets will melt down and not finish as the 7th best team in the league.
The Kings will be better than #10.
The Jazz (who Stein has ranked 23rd), will be in the playoff hunt. If Kirilenko stays healthy.
Stein has the Knicks ranked 17th. If I had three wishes at this very moment, one of them would be for the Knicks to finish 30th this season. Between Isaiah Thomas, Larry Brown and Stephon Marbury, I can't decide who I hate the most. I also hate Allan Houston, but that's more because he found a way to play a total of about 15 games for somewhere around $100 million.
The rest of the rankings are still up in the air. One thing I can tell you all: Prepare to see several teams hover around the single digit win total for the season. San Antonio might win 75 games. And Miami and Indiana could each win 60+. Someone has to take all of those losses.

Exactly one month until the regular season starts...

the big orange pumpkin:

2005-09-27T20:32:00.000-04:00

Can I just say that Phil Fulmer has done a terrible job this season. And by terrible, I mean I can't envision any possible way that he could've handled the quarterback situation worse.

Hey Phil, you fat bastard, do you not get it that telling one player he's your starting quarterback and then only sticking with him for a series or two is stupid? Have you noticed that in almost every game this season, both Rick Clausen and Eric Ainge, have looked unsteady, nervous, inexperienced and unsure of themselves? This is all Phil's fault. Ainge came in last year like he owned the fucking place and this quarterback controversy has totally maimed him of that swagger. After Clausen's Cotton Bowl performance, surely he believed that he could be the starter, yet Fulmer's indecision took that away from Clausen. (Aside: Did anyone else notice that the announcer last night kept calling Clausen, "Clow-sen" as if he was straight from the Third Reich?)

I've always said the double quarterback system doesn't work, and surely Phil Fulmer knows much more than me about these sorts of things. But apparently not. How do you expect anyone to go out there and play with everything he's got when he has to keep thinking, "is this the throw that gets me benched?"

Granted, after Ainge did his ballerina spin, underhanded toss to that LSU defender on the three yard line, it was time for a change because Ainge was playing like a baffoon. The problem is, even after Clausen's performance in the second half, Fulmer probably won't come out and say "Clausen is the starter for the rest of the season." And even if he does, what does that actually mean, since Ainge was named "the man" before last night's game and only lasted a half?

At this point, Fulmer has bought this problem for the season, because anytime one QB plays bad, the fans will start calling for the switch. And if Phil "Never Leave the Table Until I'm "Full"-mer is taking advice from UT's fans, we're all in a shit ton of trouble.

Fantasy Football Frustration:

2005-09-26T08:57:00.000-04:00

Before the NFL season started, I felt alright, not good, certainly not great about my fantasy teams. After three weeks, I'm ready to gouge out my eyeballs with an ink pen. Some of my frustrations include:

Peyton Manning. What the hell is going on? 2 TDs, 2 INTs in 3 weeks? Right now, Manning is being out-fantasied by Gus Frerotte, Tim Rattay, and little brother Eli (to name a few). This is unacceptable. If I spend the second overall pick on your ass, you better score 20 points a week. Last year, he was good for 30 points a week.
Daunte Culpepper. Even though he played well this week, he had 10 turnovers in the first two weeks, which obviously really helped his fantasy stats.
Steve Smith. Only because I played against him this week and he dropped 170 yards and 3 touchdowns on me.
Ahman Green. Since Brett Favre has constructively retired, Green is basically worthless to me. And I have him in two out of three leagues. Perfect. 170 yards and no TDs in three games.

northwest division outlook

2005-09-22T18:56:00.000-04:00

CNNSI.com's Kelly Dwyer just posted the NBA's northwest division preview. Here are my thoughts:

Denver Nuggets: Dwyer's prediction of the Nuggets is pretty accurate, although I believe that Julius Hodge could be a major steal from the draft. The only thing that really caught me off guard is that Dwyer thinks Earl Watson might start at point guard. There is no way in hell that Watson is starting over Andre Miller. Miller played on one of the Dream Teams (albeit one of the shitty ones); Earl Watson couldn't even take a starting position away from Jason "White Chocolate" Williams in Memphis. If you think about Hodge, Carmelo Anthony and Kenyon Martin on the break, that's pretty scary, especially since Kenyon Martin is a professional alley-ooper (and not much more).

Minnesota Timberwolves: Wow, talk about a tailspin. Other than the Lakers going from the Finals to the lottery, was there a bigger surprise than the T-wolves missing the playoffs last year? At least the Lakers could point to the fact that they lost three future Hall-of-Famers. Minnesota had the exact same team come back and royally sucked it up.

At least they dumped Cassell and Sprewell in the offseason. But if you want to talk about all-time dumbest moves in the history of the NBA, let's talk about signing Nikoloz Tskitishvili to a contract. What a waste of a 7"0" body. What were they thinking? This guy doesn't have a position, skill or a working knowledge of the English language. How many Eastern Europeans do you think live in Minneapolis. My guess is not very many. Total waste. I'm completely baffled how Dwyer can categorize this move as a "gain."

I do think Rashad McCants could payoff huge. If KG smacks him around a little bit in the early going to let him know that his pouting won't be tolerated, McCants could tear it up.

Portland Trailblazers: What do you say about these idiots? Did they not have enough pot-smoking teenagers on their team already? After Qyntel Woods getting arrested for hosting pit bull fights at his house last year, you'd think the Blazers would pick up on the idea that teenagers are a bad thing. Apparently not, since they wasted another lottery pick on Martell Webster.

And another thing, why do you waste a high first round pick on a point guard (Jarrett Jack), when you wasted your lottery pick the previous year on a point guard (Sebastian Telfair)? I'll tell you why, because your team is being run by mules. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the hereditary nature of a mule, it is half donkey, half horse. That's right, the Portland Trailblazers are run by a bunch of half-breed equines.

Further proving my point, after spending draft picks on two point guards, the Blazers go out and sign the 2002 Maryland Terrapins (Steve Blake and Juan Dixon, both play, at least in part, POINT GUARD). Hey assholes, I hear that Lonnie Baxter and Byron Mouton are on waivers. Get them and I'm sure you could trade for Chris "Snoop Dogg" Wilcox. This team is clearly going nowhere. Fast. Oh and by the way, they still have Darius Miles. And he sucks.

Seattle Supersonics: There's no way that the Sonics can reproduce the season they had last year. A couple problems with Dwyer's column.

First, he lists both Rick Brunson and Bob Weiss as "gains." Alright, as I mentioned in an earlier column, it's Rick "fucking" Brunson. He should be in the NBDL. As a 12th man. As for Bob Weiss, all I have to say is, the last time Bob Weiss was a head coach in the NBA, Dominique Wilkins was his best player. If Weiss is such a great find, why haven't any other teams caught on over the last, oh I don't know, 10 years?

The best part of the Sonics offseason, as Dwyer mentions, is that they got to play the Isiah Thomas card and watch the idiot New York Knicks overpay Jerome James. (Aside: I know I've taken some heat for copying the Sport's Guy by making fun of Isaiah Thomas, but how can you not? He's such a damn idiot. I predict that Larry Brown will slit his wrists by the AllStar break.)

Utah Jazz: Biggest inaccuracy: Greg Ostertag as a "gain." Why don't they just sign Bryant "Big Country" Reeves? If your gonna sign the big, dumb-looking, country bumpkin, white boy center with a flat top, at least get your money's worth.

I'm also not sold on Deron Williams as the savior of the Jazz. I can't imagine why you would take him before Chris Paul, other than Jerry Sloan is a crotchety old man and wants someone who will play "his way" even if that player has less talent than some other players.

Oh, and by the way, I love Andrei Kirilenko. He gives skinny people such hope.

I'm challenging the spot:

2005-09-21T21:45:00.000-04:00

As you all know, the alleged eight minute mile was allegedly not completed in 8 minutes...however, tonight I drove back to the scene of the crime, and measured it by my car's odometer. And you guessed it, from the starting line to the point where I almost died and stopped running: 1.00 miles. That's right you assholes. One whole mile and not a step less.

7:52. Last time I checked, that was less than 8 minutes. This discovery has breathed new life into me. I may never be the same. Not to say that a 7:52 mile is impressive. However, the challenge was a mile in 8 minutes not 7:30 or even 7:45. So I'm throwing the red flag. I want a review from the booth. Because I made it. And no one can ever take that from me.

(Aside: Listen to me talking like I was stripped of an olympic medal for steroid use or something. I'm sure you're all thinking that this is a minor detail. But I can not begin to explain the shame that I felt as I approached my friend Steven's house after everybody believed I failed. Now, knowing that I didn't fail, I have to tell the world).

Plus, it makes the memory that much better.

this week's reason to hate barry bonds

2005-09-20T22:07:00.000-04:00

Barry Bonds is telling Congress that they shouldn't be worrying about steroids, because there are more important issues to deal with right now. But don't you think that's a little self-serving for Bonds? I mean obviously Bonds wants them to drop the the steroid "probe." That's like me telling the law school, "I think you all should consider giving everyone an A+ in every class this semester," you know, since there are more important issues in the world right now. I can not begin to explain how much I hate Barry Bonds. He was the original selfish athlete of the modern era, disliked by fans, teammates and opponents. And the thing that pisses me off the most is Barry tries to play the "me against the world" card as if he's not the one to blame for it being that way. Hey Barry, you're an asshole, that's why no one likes you. I hope he breaks both arms and legs so that he can't tarnish any more of major league baseball's record books.

Top 11 reasons why hockey sucks...

2005-09-19T18:49:00.000-04:00

Here's a list of reasons why hockey sucks from the KoolAid Report. Although, I might argue that #1 is the one thing going for hockey.

11. Anything that Canadians are good at can't be worthwhile.
10. Anything taht North Dakotans are good at can't be worthwhile.
9. True fast breaks are illegal.
8. Squashing an oppontent against a wall by plowing into him at 50 miles per hour is legal, but if you touch him with your hockey stick in an improper manner, it's a foul.
7. All that frenetic nonstop action yielding scores like: 1-0, 2-0, or 3-1.
6. The equipment is too cumbersome to allow for pantomime moonings.
5. The phrase "put the biscuit in the basket" is gay.
4. Penalty box? Deprivation of civil liberties without due process.
3. People with French surnames are allowed to play.
2. The game was invented for the sole benefit of white guys with 4-inch vertical leaps.
1. One word: "mullets".

the 8 minute mile...

2005-09-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

So, last night as I'm preparing to run my 8-minute mile. Wait let's back up. Exactly one week.

As I watched my buddies Chris and Josh line up for their fifty meter dash, I wondered to myself, what the hell are we doing? What would possess a dozen law students, whom a large portion of society would consider to be smarter than the average guy (aside: note that I am not holding us out as smarter than average, seeing the things that I've seen the last 8 days, I'm almost positive that we're not), to mark off 50 meters so two of us can make idiots out of themselves? I have no fucking clue.

This all started out as a war of words during Sunday Night Football, where Chris continually poked fun at Josh, until Josh snapped and yelled "Chris, shutup you're fat." This prompted the 50-meter dash challenge and, in a way, changed the course of our fall semester forever. After the enjoyment we all received from watching the race last week, it was decided that every Sunday night, when we joined for the holy cause of wrapping up another football Sunday, someone(s) would participate in some sort of challenge.

Last night was my night. And my friends, I failed. After the race last week, my other friend Steven said that he didn't believe I could run an 8-minute mile. So I accepted his challenge. Agreeing not to train at all during the week, to continue eating my normal diet of unhealthy shit, to return on Sunday night, and run the 8-minute mile at halftime. So I complied, even eating a Big Mac and fries 90 minutes before running last night.

So, it's race time, and I'm taken back to my high school days when I actually ran a 2:10 in the half mile, hating every second of it. And as I stand there at the starting line, with Steven looking at me with pity in his eyes, knowing that I've already lost, I know that there's no turning back. So I start out at Michael Johnson pace, I mean I'm straight moving, knowing that at any moment, my heart will explode out of my chest (or the Big Mac will explode out of my ass). With three of the football crew following me in a Ford Explorer, I run through the streets of Fort Sanders (the token section of any college town where all of the students live in rundown houses/apartments). As I make the turn back to the finish line in front of Steven's house, I'm dying a slow death, observing the unforeseen hill that I have to climb to finish the mile.

So I tough it out, knowing I'm probably not going to make it in 8 minutes and as my buddy Chris leans his head out of the Explorer and says, "you've got less than 100 meters left," and I simultaneously look at my watch to see 7 minutes and 50 seconds have elapsed, I come to the realization that to complete my challenge, I will have to become the world's fastest man. So I stop.

I am the dumbest human being on earth. I honestly believe that. This entire day has consisted of me aching in pain everytime I stand up, sit down, scratch my head or making any other physical movement. Last night, my friends could see I was hurting. Of course my pride was hurting, but they could all see that a trip to the hospital was not outside the realm of possibility. So they took it easy on me. Not too much taunting. They knew that I knew I was an idiot, and that was enough.

What a terrible idea. And by terrible, I mean I wouldn't take it back for anything. Great memory, absolutely priceless.

Humorous hockey comment...

2005-09-16T10:20:00.000-04:00

Here is a question sent in to the Sport's Guy from one of his readers. It highlights the only contribution to society that hockey has ever made.

Q: Is there any better way to say that a couple is actively trying to have a baby than, "They've pulled the goalie?"-- Bassel, Sunnyvale, Calif.

A: Absolutely not. It's the single-best thing that hockey has done for our culture since Barry Melrose single-handedly saved the mullet.

And that, my friends, is just one more indication of why hockey sucks.

NBA central division preview...

2005-09-15T21:18:00.000-04:00

Kelly Dwyer of SI.com has published his Central Division preview...pretty good, but a couple of things caught my eye.

First, Dwyer categorizes the Cleveland Cavs not having Desagana Diop, Lucious Harris, Jeff McInnis, Robert Traylor or Dajuan Wagner on their roster as "losses." Now I'll admit Lucious Harris is serviceable, but the rest of these guys are stiffs. Diop was a total waste of a lottery pick. Jeff McInnis never met a shot or bong he didn't love. Tractor Traylor is only good for your team if you're competing in a pie-eating contest. And Dajuan Wagner holds the three season record for most times placed on the injured list for "kidney infections" (which is censored doctor talk for STD).

Second, I enjoyed the comment that "Drew Gooden's been on the trading block since junior high." Does anyone else think that Gooden looks like the mayor of New Orleans? Just wondering.

Third, Dwyer mentions that new Pistons coach Flip Saunders runs a zone defense like no one else. What do you think Detroit fans think about zone defenses? I'm not sure, but it's probably something like "only pussies play zone."

Fourth, the article mentions that Larry Bird hopes that he's surrounded Ron Artest with a solid support group. Has he ever seen Stephen Jackson? Probably the biggest punk in the NBA. During "The Brawl," Jackson went psycho in the stands. At least Artest got hit in the face with a drink. Jackson just saw the chance to break a few heads. And it's not like Jermaine O'Neal is the most stable either. If he hadn't slipped on that puddle of water, he would've killed the fat guy in the pistons jersey.

(Aside: don't take this to mean that I disagree with the Pacers, I hate the Pistons' fans for the way they acted and you better believe I'd fight you if you threw a drink in my face...and I know I'm in the minority, so don't start posting comments about how "you have to exercise self control." And another thing, why is that argument always used on the Pacers? Shouldn't Ben Wallace have used self control before using the throat punch on Artest? Or maybe the fan should've exercised some self control and not thrown that damn cup? And if any of you start arguing that Artest hit the wrong guy, you're also wrong. That guy that Artest went after was still laughing at him and as such, deserved to get his ass beat.)

Damnit, is it basketball season yet?

Non-sports blog #2...

2005-09-15T19:52:00.000-04:00

While I sat in Family Law today, which unbeknownst to me, must've had the subtitle of "man-hating time," I heard some of the most ignorant talk ever.

We read these two articles that discussed studies/surveys that had been conducted. One article stated that, of the men and women surveyed, a larger percentage of men said that they were happy with their marriage. The other article discussed the way women's roles have changed in the family (from working in the home to occupying jobs traditionally held by men).

This is when the total idiocy hit its high point. Here are some of the totally wrong and completely idiotic things that were said:

The type of men that get married are not the type of men that care whether or not their wives are happy.
Women that hold jobs outside the home essentially have two jobs because they go to work, then they come home and still have to cook, clean, etc., while men simply go to work then come home and sit on the couch.
Men like to be pampered and waited on.

There were other comments made, basically reaching the conclusion that men are lazy and don't appreciate their wives. All of these comments were made by women in the class. Most were made by UNMARRIED women. So clearly, they have no fucking clue what they're talking about.

So after hearing this bull shit for about 65 minutes of an 75 minute class, I'm shaking my head so violently that my professor says "do you disagree?," referring to the most recent man-hating comment. My response: "Actually I've disagreed with virtually everything that's been said today so I'm not sure I should say anything." She wouldn't let me off that easy so I basically said that they were all wrong because they were making inaccurate, sweeping generalizations and stereotypes. I was pissed and ready to go. And by go, I mean fight.

Aside from the overall ignorance that accompanied the statements, there were several other considerations that pissed me off even more. First, if I were to make generalized comments like "all women should cook and do laundry," I'd be crucified. Yet everyone was so tolerant of the comments today, which I took as the female equivalent of a male chauvinist comment. My ears were turning red. Second, where do these unmarried people get off talking about what marriage is like? Their expertise is based on King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond. Obviously those shows are indicative of real married life. Third, don't say married men are like "x." Don't talk like you know me, because you don't. Fourth, some of the comments implied that men can't take care of normal household duties like cooking or laundry. Do we still live in the 1960s? Do people in their mid-20s still believe that? Fucking morons.

And then I have to listen to this bull shit about respecting other people's opinions in the interest of educational debate. Well I don't respect their opinions. I can still respect them as people (or at least act like I respect them). But their comments were the dumbest thing I've heard since starting law school. And I'm still pissed about it.

Sorry for the non-sport rants, they will return...soon.

Non-sports blog #1...

2005-09-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

I hope you all have seen the stories on the news about the dolphins displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Hell, at 7:00 tonight, it was on two of my 10 channels. That's right, the dolphins are that important.

Now, I watched the story and it was interesting that so many people have devoted their time to aid these dolphins that are out swimming in the middle of the gulf. How have they been displaced? Before the hurricane, in the Gulf of Mexico, after the hurricane, in the Gulf of Mexico. What's the big deal? It's not like their swimming through the streets of New Orleans.

It took days (and even weeks) to get help to those PEOPLE affected by Katrina, so it would make sense that the dolphins would be next on our list. You know what I say, fuck the dolphins. If 5 or 6 die because of the hurricane, that's just the way it is. This very minute, people are dying and yet there is a large group of people with advanced degrees spending extensive time saving Flipper's descendents. And that, my friends, is ridiculous.

To my readers:

2005-09-15T10:43:00.000-04:00

For those who read the comments to my posts, you might be wondering who this C.Warren asshole is. Well, he's a good friend of mine from law school. He is also a heartless, life-sucking son of a bitch, from which there is no escape.

Now T.O. can complain...

2005-09-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

ESPN.com reports that Donovan McNabb is questionable for the Eagles week 2 game against the San Francisco 49ers. If Terrell Owens had problems playing with Donovan McNabb, how happy do you think he'll be to play with Koy Detmer?

Fantasy Football Week 1

2005-09-14T22:13:00.000-04:00

Well, you have to hand it to Daunte Culpepper, he sure as hell doesn't need Randy Moss. Yep, that negative 2.5 point week was all I needed to know that I had a real keeper at QB. Five turnovers? Did Jeff George subliminally take over Culpepper's body? Granted a couple of those interceptions bounced off of receivers but 5 turnovers is ridiculous. Maybe if he had a legitimate #1 receiver or a running back or maybe if I had come to this realization a week ago when I picked him, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. But we are. Shit.

Mike Anderson. Ah, Mike f-ing Anderson. Following the long line of Broncos thousand yard rushers (to fall to serious injuries early in a season; see: Terrell Davis, Olandis Gary). Five total yards, against the Dolphins. Really appreciate that.

Speaking of the Dolphins, how about Gus Frerotte. Wait a minute, maybe he and Daunte Culpepper switched bodies. That explains everything.......................ok, I'm back. Don't worry, I just dropped Culpepper and picked up Frerotte, so my season's got nowhere to go but up from here.

Have to hand it to Andre Johnson. Great week man. Definitely what I like to see. 1.8 fantasy points. My #1 receiver. I'm going to be everyone's bitch all year long.

Am I going to have to put a hit out on Antwan Randle El? He's killing Hines Ward's numbers. I mean, between Randle El and Willie Parker dominating the Titans, Ward couldn't get any love.

How about those Jets? So maybe Lavernaeus Coles isn't going to be such a good fantasy play this year. If you disagree, I should point out that New York put up 7 points against the Kansas City Chiefs. That's like the Dallas Mavericks holding a team under 70 points. It just doesn't happen.

I guess a good indication of my fantasy football skills (or lack thereof) is the fact that, out of my 3 fantasy teams, only one came out with a win this week. And that's the one that was automatically picked by Yahoo!.

Swann for Governor:

2005-09-14T15:54:00.000-04:00

Lynn Swann is considering running for governor of Pennsylvania. And Heath Shuler is running for Congress in North Carolina. In unrelated news, I've been named the starting running back of the San Francisco 49ers.

The best line of the article: "Swann is a rare creature, indeed. The son of Democrats is an African-American Republican, something once thought to be an oxymoron."

Racing...

2005-09-11T11:26:00.000-04:00

While enduring the Buckeyes' ineptitude on offense Saturday night, I also had to endure listening to the worst conversation ever. Two guys talking about racing. If I hadn't been so pissed off at Ohio State, I probably would've yelled at these guys.

I heard so many initials thrown out that I just assumed we were talking about federal agencies. F1, GT, IRL, ISD. What do these mean, and more importantly, who gives a shit? What is the enjoyment of watching cars run around a track? Believe me, I had the little Power Wheels set when I was little, and it's way overhyped. I don't care what kind of car is being raced, I hate racing.

Two issues that this conversation raised were particularly interesting to me:

1. They were both complaining about how you can never watch quality racing on television anymore. Let me tell you why there's no "quality racing" on television. First, there is no such thing as "quality racing." It all sucks. Second, let me explain something about television. If people watch a show, game, etc., the channel will continue to broadcast. This would imply that no one (or very few people) watched this alleged "quality racing" that used to be on television, so the television companies cut it.

These guys were also complaining about the cable channels that are "dedicated" to racing and how pathetic they are. Here's the thing guys, you can only do so much with a terrible product. If you gave Martha Stewart a pile of horse manure, she could probably make a cake out of it, but it would still taste like shit. Same thing with racing, you can package and broadcast it however you like, but it still sucks.

One of the guys started complaining about how ESPN 2 was supposed to be dedicated to "non-ball" sports like racing, but over time, has changed into another version of the original ESPN. Whether or not that's accurate, here's the thing: if it is true, it's because ESPN realized that it could get more viewers by showing a sixth baseball game than it could by showing one 6 hour NASCAR race.

Then they whined about the "Speed World" channel not showing races. Listen fellas, if the channel entitled "Speed World" isn't showing car racing, there's only one reasonable conclusion: racing sucks.

2. They both kept talking about how overhyped and overrated Danica Patrick is. Here's the thing, she's probably the best thing to happen to this "sport" in the last 20 years. Many people that have never been interested in racing are paying attention now because of Patrick. Personally, I don't care if she's good looking, she still races cars and therefore, sucks. But don't bitch about not getting to watch your "quality racing" and then bash the one person that might actually be able to get racing back on television. That's just stupid.

I know you're probably thinking: this guy's never even watched a race. But you're wrong. While in middle school, I went to the Michigan 400, and it sucked. And although I have a standing invitation to go to Bristol Motor Speedway from my friend Laura (which I might accept for the sole purpose of mullet-counting), I will never consider going to "watch" another race (this leaves open the possibility that I can still go for the aforementioned mullet-counting).

If you like racing, that's fine, just don't complain about it not being on TV. Because, as with most television, the public has spoken: racing sucks.

I hate Texas

2005-09-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

I can't explain how painful it is to watch anybody, but especially the Buckeyes, lose to Texas...the way many Americans view France, that's how I view Texas. After enjoying a perfectly good sports Saturday (getting to golf, accompanied with Michigan losing), I had to endure Brent Musburger verbally suck on Vince Young's balls for 3 and a half hours, and then watch OSU piss the game away.

Wow, have to hand it to the Buckeyes, four field goals in four red zone trips...now that's efficiency. I watched the entire game and I can only recall one offensive play of any significance for the Buckeyes (the one touchdown catch from Smith to Holmes).

What do you say if you're A.J. Hawk and the OSU defense? They did everything they could and got nothing in return. Last night was probably the one night where the guys from the defensive line wanted to hang out with the kicker over anybody on the offense. Regardless of whether Justin Zwick or Troy Smith was in the game (Aside: dual quarterback systems blow ass), they couldn't get anything going. Could it be that everytime either of them got a couple of series to warm up, Tressel would bring the other guy in? The substitutions aside, I don't really like either of them. I know all of the Ohio State fans love Troy Smith because he beat Michigan last year, but his decision-making makes me think that he has the attention span of Corky from Life Goes On.

Here's the last thing I remember about each quarterback:

Zwick: after the Buckeyes gave up the last touchdown, Zwick, on the first play from scrimmage, trying to be the hero, gets sacked and fumbles the ball (which is recovered by Texas)...nice composure at the end of the game

Smith: after the defense found a way to save OSU from Zwick's fumble by holding Texas at the goal line, Smith comes in and gets SACKED IN THE ENDZONE on the first play...what the hell?

At this point, had I not been at someone else's house, I would've thrown my television into the wall. Tressel needs to figure out which QB is the lesser of the two evils and stick with him...

Does any one else wonder...

2005-09-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

whether Kim Clijsters is in the right U.S. Open final? I mean how strict is the definition of a "women's" final?

One of the best members of the sports media?

2005-09-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

Jack McCallum covers the NBA for Sports Illustrated. Last night, he received the Curt Gowdy award for his contributions in the sports print media. According to McCallum Sports Illustrated asked him to write an article discussing his 5 most favorite moments in his twenty years of covering the NBA.

This might have been the most painful article I've ever read. His 5 "highlights" are like listening to a complete stranger talk about a recent trip to the dentist. None of them have anything to do with an actual game, and only one has occurred in the last decade.

You wonder why SI would publish something like this? Because idiots like me read it. And will continue to read it.

Talk about living in the past. Two of his favorite moments were about the 1980s Celtics. Two more were about the 1992 Dream Team. Has Jack been asleep for the last 13 years? Does he realize the NBA still exists and sometimes actually has games? What decade are we in? These are things I need to ask Jack.

My biggest beef is that, not only did I waste 3-4 minutes reading the damn article, I've wasted another 12 minutes bitching about it on this blog.

The best mullet ever...

2005-09-07T23:20:00.000-04:00

My wife and I caught this sweet neck blanket at a St. Louis baseball game last summer...isn't it the most beautiful kentucky waterfall you've ever seen?

Just look at the precision of this perm. Sheer beauty.

Must be a down week in NBA news...

2005-09-07T10:55:00.000-04:00

with the NFL season quickly approaching and one week of college football under our belts, apparently ESPN doesn't have time to do much NBA writing...hell, the highlight of the NBA tab on ESPN.com is an article about Rick Brunson...that's right, Rick Brunson

Apparently,

2005-09-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

Gene Wojciechowski doesn't read my blog, since he thinks that Rice didn't hang on too long...But if you read closely, even Wojciechowski thinks Rice should've retired last year...that, Gene, by definition is hanging on too long, ass....

Staying too long...

2005-09-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

One of my biggest pet peeves in professional sports are great players that hang on too long. Whether it be Jerry Rice's melodramatic walk into the sunset, Michael Jordan's six retirements or Cal Ripken's last 5 years, I get so pissed off at watching these guys refuse to let go.

Why couldn't Rice have retired three years ago? He had a resurgence his first year in Oakland after we all wrote him off in San Francisco. That's when he should've called it quits. Then he rotted away with the other 40-somethings on the Raiders AND THEN became Koren Robinson's backup in Seattle. That's right, Koren Robinson, Mr. Stone Hands, Captain Marijuana, whatever you call him, the greatest receiver to ever walk the earth was his backup. What a damned shame. Then, Rice tried it one more time in Denver, where he was passed over for all-time greats like Ashley Lelie and Darius Watts. The only reason he lasted that long is because he's Jerry f-ing Rice. And if you don't believe me, then leave this site immediately.

Honestly, I know that there were players cut weeks ago that could outplay Jerry Rice today. But Mike Shanahan let him live out his last delusions of grandeur and was even willing to give him a roster spot. Luckily he finally got the clue. It's over. Don't get me wrong, I loved Jerry Rice. Those Steve Young years in San Francisco were awesome, that's the NFL I learned to love. Jerry's problem was that you can't stay 32 forever and you can't outrun guys 20 years younger than you.

As for MJ, what a pompous ass. I loved Michael Jordan growing up. Every male in their 20s or early 30s grew up loving the Chicago Bulls. But anybody who believes the Washington Wizards experiment was a good idea, needs to give Ricky Williams back his weed. Because you clearly have a problem. Jordan did nothing but tarnish his legacy with those two painful years in D.C. Not only did he ruin his career averages and show us how big of an asshole he was, he also raped poor Kwame Brown to the point where he may never be the same. We'll never know what Kwame could've been without Jordan's early beratings. The problem wasn't Jordan's attitude. We always knew that he was a perfectionist and a workaholic. The problem was that he didn't have the skills to back up his attitude. The only reason that the Wizards put up with him was because it was Michael f-ing Jordan. You don't put M.J. on the waiver wires.

I know, Jordan still averaged over 20 points per game for the Wizards. The problem is, that's not enough. I don't want to see M.J. score 20, I want to see him score 50. And he hasn't been able to do that for at least six years. He tainted his own greatness, and I'll never be able to forgive him.

Now on to Cal. Other than the fact that his managers let him play for at least 4 seasons too long, what else is there to be mad about? How about all of those All-Star games that he was voted on to that he didn't deserve? In his last four full seasons, he never batted over .280 and only once hit more than 20 home runs. After he broke Gehrig's streak, the streak padding was ridiculous. I blame his managers and the fans. But mostly I blame him. Would you want to be the manager that benched Cal f-ing Ripken. No. Because the fans would've killed you. So Ripken basically held the Orioles hostage until he was ready to end the streak.

The worst part is that everyone portrays Ripken as the consumate professional, even though he basically handicapped Baltimore for the last 4-6 years of his career. (Aside: I know that this assumes that the Orioles would've been good without Ripken which is, at best, a stretch).

There are others, you know. Others that held on too long. That couldn't let go. That believed they were actually benefitting someone by hanging on. They were all wrong. And they all hurt their legacies and our perceptions of what they once were. And to me, that's a damned shame.

FSU v. Miami

2005-09-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

Pretty typical for these two teams...except, FSU's quarterback, Weatherford, sucks. And by sucks, I mean when he would actually get the ball to his receivers, it was clear that they didn't expect it. He overthrew and underthrew his passes about 3/4 of the time. He looked like he should be playing for UCF instead of FSU. You know it's bad when the crowd starts cheering when your backup starts throwing on the sideline. Where's Chris Weinke when you need him?

I especially liked when FSU blocked a Miami punt and started out 3 yards from the goal line and somehow managed to piss away three downs and then miss a FG. Beautiful.

Miami's quarterback, Wright, was better but clearly had no concept of how much time he had in the pocket and when he did see the blitz coming, basically pissed down his leg (Aside: to make sure I'm not misunderstood, if I had FSU's defensive line/linebackers running at me, not only would i piss and shit myself, I'd hand them the ball, strip naked and suck on my thumb in the middle of the field; but if you're Miami's quarterback, a little more is expected of you).

Barry Bonds

2005-09-05T22:08:00.000-04:00

I guess all of that bull crap that Barry fed us back in the spring about being "tired" and "ready to quit" was a lie. As if any of us believed it. Poor Barry, I can understand why it would be hard for him to have the media expose the truth about him (both that he used steroids and that he had an extramarital affair).

I hope the first pitch he sees is in his ear...

He is the symbol of everything bad in this world...I hate him...just look at these two pictures, clearly no performance enhancing drugs...liar...

The First Glorious Saturday of College Football...

2005-09-04T09:30:00.000-04:00

One could argue that UT was the least impressive out of teams in the top 5 during their first game of the season. However, considering that they probably had the toughest opponent in UAB (compared to Hawaii, Louisiana-Lafayette, and Northern Illinois), and they are operating under a dual quarterback system (which is virtually the worst idea a football coach can have), it's not so bad.

At least they didn't get beat by the Horned Frogs after going to the National Championship game last season.

The best game that I got to watch was the ass-kicking that Georgia gave to Boise State. D.J. Shockley, who UGA fans are a little nervous about having as their starting QB, looked like Michael Vick yesterday (6 TDs, no turnovers, almost 300 yards passing, 85 yards rushing). Now we don't have to listen to Boise State complain about not getting any respect, because they don't deserve any.

Other notable scores:

Auburn 14, Georgia Tech 23

Texas A&M 24, Clemson 25

Notre Dame 42, Pitt 21 (I really like Charlie Weis, but I just hate the damn Irish)

Final NFL Cuts

2005-09-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

NFL teams made their final cuts yesterday. The most notable cuts were: Quentin Griffin, Lamar Gordon, David Terrell, and most importantly "The Bachelor," Jesse Palmer

Brandon's offer to be in a fantasy HOCKEY league:

2005-09-03T09:14:00.000-04:00

No. And let me give you a short run down of why:

1. Hockey Sucks
2. The whole mathematical equation required to figure out scoring is completely ridiculous...I think that "scoring" by definition is putting the puck in the goal...yet hockey gives some sort of partial points for assists...if this were the case in the NBA, John Stockton would be the all-time leading "scorer", which is totally inaccuate...
3. I couldn't tell you who any of the best players are in the NHL, because neither I nor the majority of civilization give a damn...I vaguely remember that a guy named Gretzky used to be good, but I think he retired or died or something...
4. Hockey Sucks
5. Participating in a fantasy league would make it appear as if I believe that hockey is a sport, which it isn't
6. If I were in a fantasy league, I'd have to click on the NHL tab on ESPN.com, and much like my friend Chris's physical inability to type in foxnews.com, I believe (or at least hope) that my body would completely shut down if I attempted to click on said tab
7. I'd totally sabotage your league...and by that, I mean that I would somehow figure out who were the good players and I would trade them for worthless players...you're probably wondering why I would do this...Here's why: it would give me so much satisfaction to ruin an entire hockey league (even if it was just fantasy) because if I had the power, I would totally send the NHL into a permanent nosedive
8. Who gives a shit about hockey?

(SERIOUS POST): the Concert for Hurricane Relief...

2005-09-02T20:55:00.000-04:00

I hope someone else was watching the telethon on NBC when Kanye West (while standing beside Mike Myers) said "George Bush doesn't care about black people"...

so much for that whole government regulated time delay thing...

it was really sad, I thought West was going to start crying on screen...

So you want to know what I think about women's sports?

2005-09-02T17:05:00.000-04:00

My view on this subject has actually changed considerably since moving to Knoxville. I agree with C.Warren that many female sports are not as exciting as their male counterparts. But not all. I know, you all think I lost my penis in a house fire, but hear me out. Although the WNBA (which is the best example, see Sports Guy) is clearly inferior to the NBA in excitement, talent and overall likeability, I won't go so far as to say all women's basketball is inferior to all men's basketball.

Here's where the moving to Knoxville part comes in. When I moved to Big Orange Country, I was probably ignorant enough to say that all men's basketball was better. But after watching Buzz Peterson make a mockery out of UT's men's program, while at the same time, Pat Summit (who might be the scariest woman(-ish) alive) led the Lady Vols to the Final Four, I realized that such a blanket statement was inaccurate. If given the choice between a UT men's game and a Lady Vols game, I'd probably pick the women (unless the men are playing a really good team like Kentucky, etc. (then it's fun to watch them get the shit kicked out of themselves)). What's worse, if asked to pick a winner if the men and women played, I'd consider picking the Lady Vols.

I want to make sure I'm being clear on this. I still hate, and I mean hate with every fiber of my being, the WNBA. Between the commercials where they all try to act like they're really hard and the orange and white striped ball, I can barely restrain myself from throwing my remote through the TV.

However, basketball is not the only sport that my view is limited to. Tennis, for instance, is another sport where I won't discriminate. Of course, this is assuming that Serena and Venus Williams are in fact women. I enjoy watching women's tennis because there is more volleying. Don't get me wrong, I still love to watch Andy Roddick take people's heads off with his 150 mph serves, but I sometimes like to see the ball go over the net more than twice. And that type of game is much more prevalent in women's tennis.

Golf. To watch Michelle Wie hit that damned little ball farther and straighter than I'll ever imagine being able to do is pretty fun also. Granted, if given the choice between watching Tiger or Annika play, I'm picking Tiger every time. But I won't say I don't watch women's golf. Because I do.

Plus, isn't it great when you get a really hot female athlete?

Aside: I'm fully aware that I just lost the two readers that were actually reading my blog.

Atlantic Division outlook

2005-09-01T17:59:00.000-04:00

Kelly Dwyer, from CNNSI.com has a really good article about the off-season moves of the NBA's Atlantic division...

The most powerful man in sports:

2005-09-01T10:41:00.000-04:00

As requested by C.Warren, I have decided to give my take on the most powerful man in sports. For those who've been reading this blog and not commenting, this would be a good time for you to tell me that I'm full of crap.

Tiger Woods.

That's right, a golfer is the most powerful man in sports, and here's why. Before Tiger, golf was golf. Now it's a major sports empire that battles with football, baseball and basketball (but definitely not hockey and that's because hockey is lame).

If you think for one second that anybody would give two shits about Phil Mickel-bra or Vijay Sing without Tiger, you're wrong. Those guys are too vanilla.

Tiger is the one that keeps people coming back.

Webber gets off easy:

2005-08-31T20:36:00.000-04:00

A federal judge let Chris Webber off with a misdemeanor for lying under oath. The punishment was a $100,000 fine. Sure beats the shower rape that a felony conviction would've entailed.

Michael Finley to San Antonio:

2005-08-31T19:56:00.000-04:00

This is why I love the Spurs. Did they need Finley to win another title. No. Did they need Nick Van Exel? No. Will it be a virtual walk in the park with these two? Yes. Not only did the Spurs just add two former all-stars, they just created a second team that would beat at least several NBA teams (namely Atlanta, New Orleans, Portland, New York and Toronto). Van Exel, Finley, Brent Barry, Sean Marks/Tony Massenburg, and Rasho Nesterovic/Nazr Mohammed? Are you serious? How did this happen? I'll tell you how. Because Greg Popovich takes shit from no man. Other than David Stern, he's probably the most powerful man in professional basketball.

Pop has built the quintessential professional sports franchise, where everyone plays his role, without complaining, or he gets sent packing. Both players took major paycuts to play for the Spurs and I think it's hilarious. And by hilarious, I mean hell for the rest of the NBA.

The Spurs got Finley AND Van Exel for around $3.5 million a year. It's great to know that Mark Cuban will still be paying Finley over $50 million to play for the Mavs' division rivals (see Amnesty cuts). Maybe this will teach Cuban to stop treating the Mavs like his own personal fantasy basketball team. Probably not.

fantasy draft #2...

2005-08-31T19:17:00.000-04:00

After being informed by my fascist/nazi dictator/commissioner of my second fantasy league that QB touchdowns are only worth 4 points this year (as opposed to the obvious six), I drafted a quarterback combo of Chad Hutchinson and Kirk Kittner...just kidding, but only about the drafting Hutchinson and Kittner part...

C'mon, so what if quarterbacks end up scoring more points, I had Peyton Manning and didn't win last year, it's not dispositive of who will win the league. Aside: I also enjoy bitching about something that I have no chance of getting changed (due to having a dictator for a commish).

On to the draft...

Having been informed of the new QB point situation, I take Culpepper with my first pick (11th overall, out of 12, that's right 12). Now if he only had a running back that could stay off the injured list and/or cocaine, I'd be set. I'm predicting major bust out of Culpepper this year, mainly because everyone has made him into the man with the white hat, while Randy Moss has been made the villain (which is at least partially fair, but let's not kid ourselves into believing that Culpepper isn't a punk-ass too).

For my next pick, I dropped the proverbial "deuce" and drafted Ahman Green (in this situation, dropping the deuce refers to picking the same player in both fantasy leagues). I know, he's solid, but Brett Favre just got his first Medicare check in the mail and you better believe teams are going to force Favre to beat them (meaning eight guys in the box to show their love to Ahman Green).

It must have been something I ate before/during the draft, because after dropping the deuce on Green and waiting for all the guaranteed starting running backs to be gone, I felt the need to do it again and took Mike Anderson. Yeah, Mike Anderson as my #2. I'm so screwed.

My third pick was spent on Andre Johnson, who also presents some cause for concern since he averaged 31 yards receiving for the last 4 games of last season. Plus, he has David Carr throwing it to him (at least theoretically), meaning my number one receiver could totally suck balls.

My other two starting receivers are Hines Ward and Jimmy Smith. Ward just signed a new contract so he's in cruise mode this year, and Jimmy Smith had his best seasons with a guy named Mark Brunell, meaning he's old. And although 36 doesn't seem that old, if you're a wide receiver not named Jerry Rice, when you hit 35 you need to start talking to a retirement advisor.

To round out my starting roster, I dropped my third deuce of the night by drafting Eric Johnson as my tight end, which wouldn't be so bad if he played for anybody other than the 49ers. Hey, at least they'll be throwing the ball a lot in the second half.

My only bench players that most people have ever heard of are: Tom Brady, who in real life would be a top 10 pick, but in fantasy football, gets no love; Brandon Stokley and his bum shoulder which I'm sure will heal very nicely with all of those patterns over the middle that he runs; and Mike Williams, who I just read is fourth on the Lions' depth chart at WR.

The rest of this sad sack of players: Frank Gore (Al Gore's third illegitimate son), David Patten, Ben Troupe, and Chester Taylor (who I hear is solely responsible for phoning in all of Jamal Lewis's drug deals).

This team blows, anybody that wants it can have it for $20.

other blogs...

2005-08-31T11:40:00.000-04:00

two of my friends have started blogs: Permanent Culture Shock and Far From the Big Time...you can click on the links to the right to view their blogs

Fantasy Draft #1

2005-08-30T18:44:00.000-04:00

I was pretty pleased with the outcome of my first fantasy draft, although I think I'm gonna be in desperate need of quality wide receivers, and when I say desperate need, I mean I've started a petition to get Steve Largent and Lynn Swann placed on waivers so that I can pick them up...

However, I did get Peyton, which is sure to be a disappointment since there is virtually no way in hell that he can repeat last year's numbers (this is me hoping to be proven wrong)...I was able to steal Ahman Green with the 19th overall pick, and got Kevin Jones at 21 (my wife calls Kevin Jones, the real sleeper of the draft)...(aside: I know, my wife gives me fantasy football advice, and there's not a damn thing wrong with it). After that, the bourbon started taking over and I ended up with a receiver corp of Lavernaeus Coles, Derrick Mason and Plaxico "Fur" Burress (I don't know how he got the "fur" nickname, but it seems appropriate, considering he's a pussy).

Rounding out the draft, I ended up with Mike Anderson, who could rush for 1800 yards, or he could be a lead blocker for an 1800 yard rusher...I'll keep you posted on how that goes. I also got Cedric Benson, who could end up being a good late round pick up, if I can control the urge to drop him through the first 8 weeks.

Peerless Price was my next to last pick, which was good since he and I are on pace to have the same number of receptions this year.

Off to draft #2...

Peerless Price...

2005-08-30T18:38:00.000-04:00

was dropped by the Atlanta Falcons today, less than 12 hours after I drafted him with my 12th round pick in my first (of three) fantasy football drafts...solid pick, I'm such a jackass...

not to worry, I'm going to drop Price and pick up Peter Warrick...

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=2146727

reply #2

2005-08-29T15:45:00.000-04:00

As to Jonathan's comment re: ticket prices, I believe I did a terrible job of explaining that disjointed rant. My point was, if I'm going to watch college quality players, I should get to pay the college ticket price rather than the NBA price. I'm not nearly smart enough to show correlations between rookie salaries and ticket revenues.

Response to Jonathan's comment:

2005-08-29T10:15:00.000-04:00

As to your characterization of my post regarding the high schoolers, allow me to retort. One, I’m just as mad at the system that allowed these guys in the league at 18 as I am at them for choosing to go pro early. Hell, if someone offered me a million bucks to play basketball, I’d drop out of law school. And no, I won’t cut these guys slack for being young because if you’re being paid to play basketball, you damn well better perform. Again, this is not just the players’ fault, it’s management’s fault as well, but I’m the one that has to watch them ugly-up games. If I have to pay to watch guys that should be in college play, then I want the $18 tickets instead of the $35 ones. (Aside: I know that I’m straying from the point, but this is sort of a catch-all rant). My point is, I don’t agree with the “he’s 18 so he shouldn’t be expected to do anything” argument. You get paid, you perform, period. That’s why the high school to pro opportunities should be saved for the choice few (i.e. Lebron, Amare, Dwight Howard).

Second, they’ve had four years, it’s time to do something.

Third, Jermaine O’Neal was a draft mistake, because the team that drafted him (the Blazers) spent several years developing him, only for the Pacers to receive the pay off. I know Jermaine isn’t complaining because he got paid to hone his game without giving anything in return, as opposed to going to UNC/Duke/Kansas, where he would’ve had to go to class.

Fourth, and I’ll admit I stole this from several NBA commentators, it’s interesting that Eddie Curry started performing during his contract year. He has a reputation as being lazy, and drew a lot of skepticism for beginning to fulfill his potential when he saw dollar signs.

Fifth, I completely agree with the arguments that you have to look at the second round and quality of talent available when judging a draft. I should have stated that I was focusing on the top 15 picks. My apologies.

Finally, I don’t think Kwame Brown will work out in L.A. That’s because Kobe doesn’t make his teammates better. It will be very similar to the M.J. situation in D.C., only to a lesser degree. I hope you’re right, because I think Kwame could be a beast, he just seems a little too tender-hearted.

As to the Sports Guy, I’ll admit that I use his writing style and his jokes. To my defense, I had never read the WR Divas article until you pointed it out. As to my constant berating of Isaiah Thomas, that will continue, because I honestly believe that he is the worst front-office person in all of sports.

Thanks for taking the time to comment on the earlier post, I enjoy this sort of running dialogue more than writing on my own.

The end of an era:

2005-08-28T20:36:00.000-04:00

The Maurice Clarett era in Denver is over. After only 3 preseason games, the Broncos waived the poor guy. The best part is, they kept Ron Dayne and waived Clarett. That's gotta hurt the confidence. That's like being the 11th guy when they pick teams for 5-on-5 basketball. How do you let Ron Dayne beat you out? Who do you think is better: Maurice Clarett, KiJana Carter or Rashan Salaam?

So maybe he wasn't quite ready for the pros? Maybe he could've helped Ohio State win another national title or two?

Another humorous part of Clarett being waived is that he's basically getting nothing from the Broncos. Once again, he believed that he was better than he actually was and agreed to have most of his contract based on incentive bonuses.

If you listen closely, you can hear a toilet flushing somewhere between Columbus and Denver.

The darkest years in NBA draft history:

2005-08-28T11:44:00.000-04:00

I've been having this internal debate with myself...I know, how pathetic...on which NBA draft produced the worst product. I've narrowed it down to three years. Sadly, the finalists happen to be three consecutive years: 2000, 2001 and 2002. And these three attrocious drafts are affecting the level of play in the NBA. Here's an overview of the three:

2000: After Kenyon Martin at #1, there is a virtual smorgasbord of piss-poor players in the top 15. What exactly have Mateen Cleaves, Courtney Alexander, Jerome Moiso, Joel Pryzbilla, and Marcus Fizer done in the last 5 years? Because they sure as hell haven't been playing professional basketball. In the realm of average, but not piss-poor players (meaning they'll at least find a way to keep getting a check from some team), we have Etan Thomas, Chris Mihm, Keyon Dooling and Mike Miller. These guys can all be serviceable back-ups for playoff teams. However, under no circumstances and I mean, NO circumstances should these guys be used as starters (i.e. Chris Mihm for the Lakers last year). Dooling is a high energy player, but a loose cannon and although I have a special place in my heart for Mike Miller after he grew out the porno 'stache last season, he's a player with a specialty, shooting, which he's not that great at. But now to the real putzes of the 2000 draft: Darius Miles and Jamal Crawford. Actually this is more about the general managers that keep throwing millions of dollars at guys who will never amount to anything. With Miles, all I can say is that if you do that little head pound thing everytime you make an 8 foot jumper, you have a few screws loose. Luckily he misses as many as he makes so I don't think we have to worry about him giving himself a seizure any time soon. As for Crawford, he was signed by Isaiah Thomas, and I think we all know what that means.

Although Stromile Swift has been a virtual bust as the #2 pick, he's been wasting away in Memphis where he's had to suffer through multiple coaches who believe in playing 12 guys a game. This never, and I repeat, never works. This season should show us whether Swift can ever be a quality player, now that he gets to play serious minutes with T-Mac and Yao Ming. I would think he can do at least as well as the guy taken in front of him...

So that leaves us with Kenyon Martin, who proved last season that he wasn't worth max contract money. The worst thing he could've done for his career was leaving Jason Kidd in New Jersey. Now he's been exposed as basically an expert alley-oop dunker. Nice number one overall pick.

Aside from these top 15 picks, the most notable player taken in the first round in 2000 was Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen. And I would bet you everything I own that I could beat him in a game of H-O-R-S-E.

2001: The year that the high school craze shit hit the fan. Although this first round gave us Tony Parker, Richard Jefferson and Joe Johnson, there was still no excuse for 3 of the top 4 picks. At least the Wizards can blame Kwame Brown on the Michael Jordan as an executive experiment, which was a total failure. The team that's more amazing is the Bulls. Who in their right mind would think it was a good idea to draft two 7-foot high schoolers? Eddie Curry and Tyson Chandler will never be All-Stars. Ever. And if you piss away a top 5 pick that never has the possibility of being an All-Star you should be shot. If you do that with two picks in the same draft, you should have to spend an afternoon with Zed and The Gimp from Pulp Fiction.

Pau Gasol and Jason Richardson were solid picks, but nothing to write home about and Shane Battier will be the next Rick Fox. So if you like Rick Fox, congratulations, personally I can't stand the greasy hair look.

Four of the next five picks were completely inexcusable. Eddie Griffin? The guy averages more three pointers per game than rebounds per game. And he's 6'10". Unless you're "Big Game" Bob Horry, this should never happen. Desagana Diop? Another 7-foot high schooler. In four seasons, he's averaged 1.6 points per game while playing 10 minutes a game. Let's get one thing straight, we all know that I could average at least 2 points per game in the NBA if they let me play 10 minutes per game. Nevermind that it would be because nobody wanted to endure the humiliation of guarding the 6'2", 150 pound white guy. Rodney White? I don't even know what to say about this pick, other than that his name makes you think he'd be some redneck from East Tennessee, not a 6'9" black guy. Kedrick Brown? The only time I've even seen this dude play was in the playoffs when Paul Pierce got ejected against the Pacers and Indiana got to pick which stiff from the Celtics bench would shoot the free throws. Brown came in and barely caught the rim on the two shots.

Although the wasted picks on high schoolers was disconcerting, the worst part is that they were probably the safest picks considering the lack of talent in this draft.

2002: coming soon...

UConn

2005-08-27T08:50:00.000-04:00

For those of you with better things to do than follow college basketball in August, UConn players Marcus Williams and A.J. Price have both been charged with four counts of felony larceny and one count of lying to police. The players reportedly stole four laptop computers from a dorm on UConn's campus and then tried to sell them at a pawn shop.

What's wrong with Jim Calhoun? Isn't he giving these guys a big enough stipend? If they needed a little extra cash maybe they should've traded their Range Rovers in for a Kia Sorrento. I'm sure their families must've been in huge financial trouble. Surely they weren't trying to get weed money.

We had a problem with laptops getting stolen at the law school a year and a half ago. Personally, if my laptop were to be stolen, I'd lose all of my notes for all of my classes, effectively moving me into the special education section of law school. Because of this, I think these two should be castrated. You think I'm kidding...but I'm not. All out ball-snipping seems entirely reasonable.

The sad thing is that we'll probably have to listen to more of the "college athletes should be paid" bull crap. These poor guys didn't have any money, they had no choice but to steal laptops from equally poor college students. If you haven't caught on by now, I do not think college athletes should get paid. They do get paid, it's called a free education. It's not our fault if they're too stupid to take advantage of it. Free school, free room and board, they get to travel for free, they get virtually unlimited class skips, and they get to play a GAME. If they want to get paid, they should go to Europe.

Luckily for these two hoodlums, UConn's basketball coaches have more clout than the governor so I'm sure they'll get off.

From ESPN.com:

2005-08-27T08:46:00.000-04:00

"Adam 'Pacman' Jones muffed two punts and struggled at cornerback in his first NFL action for the Titans..."

It's never iffy if it's Griffey

2005-08-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

One evening while surfing the internet sports world for nothing in particular, I ran across Ken Griffey Jr.'s career stats. Why does everybody hate on the dude? I'll tell you why. We got spoiled. He was too good, too early. There was a four year span where he hit 209 home runs and 567 RBIs. You want to know how old he was when that happened? Twenty-seven.

So yeah, I'm pissed that the man was on pace to break every important record in baseball (at least before Barry Bonds started helping himself to those special little pills) and then fell to a number of nagging injuries. What he did early in his career was supernatural, blowing out your knee is something that happens to humans like me.

Remember watching Griffey scale the wall in center field to rob hitters of home runs? He was Tori Hunter before Tori Hunter. Averaging over 50 home runs over a 4 seasons span? He was A-Rod before A-Rod.

So I'm happy to see Griffey putting up 30 homers and probably 100 RBI, while batting around .300. With one more double, he'll have 30 doubles. He deserves it. Why couldn't this have happened to Barry Bonds? Nobody ever liked him. But Griffey, I don't recall there ever being bad things said about him. Plus, I used to love it when Dan Patrick would say "it's never iffy if it's Griffey" whenever Sportscenter showed Junior hitting a home run.

The best part is, despite dropping a deuce for the better part of four seasons, Griffey's per season averages are still stout: 41 HR, 117 RBI, .292 average. Who else can say that they effectively took 3 seasons off and still boast those numbers? Nobody.

This week's sign that baseball can't tell its ass from a hole in the ground

2005-08-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

ESPN.com reports that the Florida Marlins have suspended one of their bat boys. That's right bat boys. The poor kid was suspended for six games without pay after accepting a bet from Dodgers' pitcher Brad Penny that he couldn't complete the Gallon Challenge (drinking a gallon of milk in one hour). Having witnessed three full grown men attempt this feet one evening, I can attest that it is one of the sickest things I have ever witnessed. I was completely unaware that a person could throw up through his nose until that night.

The kid was able to finish the gallon, but not in the one hour time period, thus, losing the bet.

Aside: what kind of asshole is Penny? Millionaire baseball player betting a teenager making minimum wage to do something that will more than likely cause uncontrollable up-chucking. Then when the kid doesn't completely fulfill the challenge, Penny doesn't give the kid the measly $500 on the table. List of people I hate in Major League Baseball: 1)Barry Bonds, 2)Bud Selig, 3)Rafael Palmerio, 4)Brad Penny.

However, I do agree with Penny's statement to the media after the incident that the punishment didn't fit the crime (if you can even call this a crime). MLB gives 10 game suspensions for steroid use and the Marlins give 6 game suspensions for building strong bones. What a crock.

How does the bat boy get suspended and Penny doesn't? I'm not sure, but I can find a way to blame Bud Selig for it. Hell, if given the opportunity, I could find a way to blame Selig for the economy, gas prices, 9/11, North Korea's nuclear weapons and the Holocaust. I believe the man is a direct descendent of Hitler and/or Mussolini. Wow, maybe I should have named this blog "Bud Selig Eats Dick."

Ricky Williams

2005-08-25T18:06:00.000-04:00

In an article on CNNSI.com, Ricky Williams was quoted as saying: "I was sitting at home last night and thinking if there was anywhere in the world I'd rather be or anything I'd rather be doing, and the answer was there was nothing."

Sadly SI forgot to finish the quote on the website. The quote, in its entirety, is below:

"I was sitting at home last night and thinking if there was anywhere in the world I'd rather be or anything I'd rather be doing," he said. "And the answer was there was nothing better than making a late-night run to White Castle for a sackful of Sliders after smoking a splif with my homies. After that, we like to go back to my place and get our feng shui in order by doing group yoga exercises."

Preseason rankings:

2005-08-25T17:27:00.000-04:00

Good to see that UT has been entirely overrated in the preseason polls. I've got two words for those people that disagree with me: Rick Clausen. Actually it only takes one word: Clausen. If your team is involved in a quarterback controversy involving a relative of the second worst GM in NBA history (Eric Ainge, nephew of Danny Ainge, whose personnel moves are second by a long shot to Isaiah Thomas) and the brother of Casey "Crazy Legs" Clausen, you're in a whole shit-ton of trouble. Eric Ainge has got skills, Rick Clausen has, well, let's talk about something else.

Honestly, I'd like to hear what you all think the margin would be if USC (#1 in every preseason poll) and UT (3rd in two polls, 6th in another) played today. If any of you say anything less than three touchdowns, leave this site immediately and never come back. And although UT doesn't have to play USC (nor will they, no matter how much Phil "the big orange pumpkin" Fulmer believes that this team can go to the national championship game), they do have to play Florida, LSU and Georgia, all top 15 teams. Plus, they have to play the other USC, now coached by the closest thing to kryptonite for UT football, Steve Spurrier.

On to USC. I'm predicting that no one will be within 14 points of them all year, then in one of the last two games of the regular season, they'll get a little scare from some inferior team, only to jump up and bitch slap the #2 team in the national championship game by 3 touchdowns. The most exciting aspect of USC's season will be the Heisman race between Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush. If it's close at the end, do you think Leinart will pull the Isaiah versus M.J. and shut Bush out of the bowl game? That would be awesome, and by awesome, I mean totally sweet.

Who Wants to Sex Mutombo?

2005-08-25T14:19:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the misleading title but this article has nothing to do with Dikembe Mutombo. It’s more of a shout out to my buddy Steven (one of the last Hawks fans) about a story he heard where Mutombo walked into one of Atlanta’s major strip clubs and yelled out “who wants to sex Mutombo.”

I will also apologize in advance for writing more NBA columns than most of you care to read. I realize that I’m one of the three remaining NBA fans on earth, but it’s the sport I know the most about, so get over it.

So here’s my take on the ridiculous picks of the 2005 NBA draft:

The biggest surprise in the top 10 should be Charlie Villanueva, until you consider that he was drafted by the Raptors. Who does C.V. remind you of? A poor man’s Kwame Brown. At best, maybe Marcus Camby. The sad part is that, before enrolling at UConn for two years, Villanueva was considered a top 10 pick. So after 2 seasons of completely mediocre play, I guess the Raptors just figured he was still worth the #7 pick. While they could have spent the pick on Wayne Simien, Hakim Warrick, Ike Diogu or Sean May, Toronto wasted the pick on the weirdest looking guy to be drafted in the last ten years. I mean, doesn’t C.V. look like a walking penis?

Should we be surprised that the Raptors pissed away a pick with this many options? After all, they did draft Rafael Araujo with the 8th overall pick last year. He was clearly the worst player taken in the top 20. So it’s only right that the Raptors take the worst pick out of the top 20 for a second year in a row. Granted, there were several high schoolers and foreign players selected in the top 20. But they still have the mystery factor, we’re not sure what they’re capable of. We’re completely aware that Villanueva sucks. Moving on.

With the 10th pick, the Lakers selected Andrew Bynum. I’m sure Kobe Bryant will be really excited to help bring up the 18 year old, luckily the Lakers signed Kwame Brown so now the kid is guaranteed to be a flop. Kwame can show Bynum how to buckle under the pressure of playing with a great shooting guard (ala Kwame with M.J. in Washington). At least Kobe can show Bynum the finer intricacies of date rape.

I was really excited to see Wayne Simien drafted by Miami. I figured he’d form the perfect tandem with Udonis Haslem to help relieve the rebounding pressure off of Shaq. Too bad Riley had to go and screw that all up by signing Antoine Walker. Antoine Walker is my least favorite NBA player…and I have a lot of them. Since when is it ok to have a power forward that shoots under 40% for the season? That’s what you get with Walker. And if you think he’ll be happy being Shaq and Dwyane Wade’s bitch, think again. He’ll be traded by Valentine’s Day.

I would say that the Knicks got a steal by ending up with Nate Robinson out of Washington. The problem is Isaiah Thomas drafted him, so he’s guaranteed to be a complete disaster. Aside: Congrats to Isaiah for failing to take advantage of his one chance to waive Allan Houston’s injured ass and avoid $40 million in luxury taxes. That would have made way too much sense.

My final 2005 draft congrats go to Matt Walsh, Anthony Roberson and Kennedy Winston for leaving their schools early to enter the draft, only to not get drafted. You’ve really got to feel for Roberson and Winston, at least Walsh dates a Playmate.

Apparently, everybody hates Raffy...

2005-08-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

Good to see Curt Schilling and Frank Robinson attacking Palmeiro...

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2142185

Bobby Thuggins and the Bearcats

2005-08-23T21:41:00.000-04:00

Having grown up in Ohio, I for one am not the least bit disappointed to see Bobby Thuggins leave Cincinnati. Is there anyone who better illustrates the evils of college athletics than Thuggins? With one of the worst graduation rates of any Division I athletic program and the constant stream of thugs recruited by the Bearcats, you often forget that the University of Cincinnati is in fact a university. For the past several years, watching Cincy play has been more like watching some combination of Arena Football and the And1 tour. Muscle bound thugs, with more tattoos than you can count, with marginal talent, that think they are all future first round draft picks. I think they all suck.

Really, who’s the best player to leave Cincinnati during Thuggins’s tenure? Nick Van Exel? Kenyon Martin? DeMarr Johnson? Bearcats alumni (if you can call them that) have accumulated more marijuana convictions than All-Star appearances.

And lets not even talk about Bobby’s personal problems outside of his disreputable program. DUI convictions, multiple hospitalizations for heart problems. Will this guy live out the year?

My favorite part of the University’s ultimatum that Thuggins resign as head basketball coach or be fired is that the school has offered to keep the idiot in some other capacity through 2008. For a cool $2.77 million. I mean, it’s not the deal that Buzz Peterson got from UT but it’s pretty good.

I can only dream that one day I can be so detrimental to my employer’s business that they offer me a couple million dollars to not work…what a life.

Pacman

2005-08-23T10:47:00.000-04:00

I for one couldn’t be happier after Pacman Jones’s first day at Titans’ training camp. After signing the wanna-be-gangsta to a contract, with at least $13 million guaranteed, the Titans watched as Punk-man got worked by virtually every receiver on the Titans roster during his first practice. Now that’s what I call a shut-down corner. As if getting burnt by Drew Bennett and Tyrone Callico wasn’t bad enough, Jones also got schooled by Courtney Roby.

Aside: A little about Courtney Roby. First off, he has a woman’s name. Secondly, he went to the football powerhouse of Indiana University. Third, and most importantly, he’s damn near the worst receiver in the NFL. I went to the Titans’ first preseason game against the Bucs a couple of weeks ago. On two separate occasions, Roby ran right past his defenders on fly patterns only to not see the ball nearly hit him in the face. Two perfect throws by Billy Volek. Zero completions. Not once, but twice. After the second time, I gave Roby the permanent “I’m going to slit your throat if you ever wear a Titans’ jersey again” tag. Luckily Pacman’s on the scene, so Roby will probably get stabbed one way or another.

Back to Pacman. During his first month in Nashville, he managed to get into an altercation with a former Nashville Kats (Nashville’s arena football team) player, resulting in criminal charges against Pacman and a couple of his home boys. Here’s the thing, if you’re the 6th pick in the NFL draft, what the hell are you doing fighting a guy whose career highlights are with the Nashville Kats. If you start to get in a fight with the guy, you say, oh wait, I was the 6th pick in the draft, you had to wear an 84 Lumber logo on your jersey. Enough said.

This is like an NBA player fighting a dude from the CBA or NBDL. Have we ever heard about Allen Iverson getting into a fight with Sam Mack or Seth Doliboa? Exactly. And just to be clear, I just referenced A.I. as the voice of reason in an argument. That’s how far we’ve fallen.

Aside #2: Although I absolutely hate Pacman Jones with every fiber of my being, the guy can fly. Last year, I went with my buddy Brooks to a WVU game against some schmuck school like Eastern Carolina. Regardless, we watched Pacman return a punt for a touchdown in that game. He went by the ECU players like they were parked cars.

Sadly for Pacman, ECU isn’t on the Titans’ schedule this year.

return of the 12th man

2005-08-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know, Paul Shirley is the funniest professional athlete in America. He wrote a blog last year about his experiences as the 12th man on the Phoenix Suns. He occasionally guest writes on the Sports Guy's page. Here's the link. The best part is, the article deals with an altercation involving Bo Outlaw, one of the all-time most awkward looking NBA players in history.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/blog/index?name=simmons

moss and marijuana

2005-08-19T09:16:00.000-04:00

ESPN.com reports that Randy Moss has admitted that he has smoked marijuana in the past and still does it "every blue moon." I for one and completely surprised. I thought Randy Moss spent his free time visiting nursing homes and hugging puppies. I mean, is this the most obvious secret that Moss could have told us. Next, he'll probably tell us that he has had sex with more than one woman. I have to lay in bed the rest of the day from the shock of this breaking news.

Welcome

2005-08-16T21:04:00.000-04:00

Thanks for coming to my new sports blog. The title of the blog, although true, is a little misleading. This is not a blog about bashing hockey, although that will occur on numerous occassions. That just happened to be the title of the article I wrote that got me thinking about setting up a blog. This is just my weak attempt at being funny writing about a topic that I enjoy, which is sports. I'm going to try to post two to four mini-articles a week. Please reply with comments or emails. Tell me that I suck or whatever, I don't really care. Below are four articles addressing some of the sports highlights of the summer.